Ode to Mama

Long-suffering & unconditional love are the best words that will describe how Mama lived her life. She has endured several loss in her family starting with her husband (Papa) many years ago, more than a year ago with her youngest son, Tito Boyet, and last month her sister, Lola Digna. I know I cannot fully comprehend the pain she has experienced with the passing away of her loved ones. I know that she even fears the possibility that she might even lose her two remaining children --- my Dad and my aunt, Tita Mary Anne --- because of their health conditions. Above all that, she is fully aware that anytime it would be her time to close the chapter of her life. Honestly, I am not even brave enough to see through what she is feeling because I know I am not that strong to endure it. Amazingly enough, Mama Nitang persevered and lived through her life standing tall.

Well, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I think another ordeal that she has faced was the feeling of rejection. Old as she is, definitely she is at the mercy of the rest of us. All of us have our own plans in life, and I guess most of the time it doesn’t include her. I know she is not ignorant of the fact that she might be a burden to the family where she is living with. She stayed at several homes for a certain duration of time dealing with different personalities. I think it was truly hard to fit in and be less of a burden. I am a witness to that when finally we took her in. Most of the time she is alone in her room. Despite her severe osteoporotic condition, she manages to sit herself up, walk and go around the house. Honestly, that feat is accompanied by severe joint pain. Her will to endure the pain worked for good in terms of her health. She never developed any bed sores nor pneumonia for prolonged lying down. There was no major medical complication that arose while she was here. She was never confined to a hospital. Sometimes she manages to go to the kitchen and find herself food to eat. She does this because she doesn’t want to be a burden to all of us. But I guess she doesn’t have to because she has all the right to be cared for.

Despite the loneliness, feelings of rejection and the physical pain, she never blamed anybody nor said a hurting word. She suffered in silence and was ever clinging to God. In fact, she could have pointed a finger at all of us demanding to be cared for after all that she did. Such an irony that we who are able-bodied and strong are easy to blame others for their shortcomings, but Mama has all the right to be helped but never raised a voice at us.

With the life the she lived and showed to us, truly she remained to be a good and faithful servant. Her life served as a testament that there is no trial that is difficult. I guess whatever shortcomings we have or any hint of bitterness should also be buried now. Honestly, I am happy that Mama has committed her life to the Lord. It is a time to rejoice because we know that Mama is eternally enjoying the presence of God.

Spelunking Faith

Truth is, I didn’t know what spelunking meant when I first heard it last year from a friend. I googled it and it simply meant, cave trekking. I had a taste of a mini-spelunking back in Hinagdanan Cave, Bohol last month. But when I got to Sagada, that word came to life.

I thought it would be a brady-bunch kinda tour with all the lights, stop-overs, guided walks, etc. At the entrance of Lumiang Cave, we were welcomed with centuries-old pine coffins hanging from the cave wall. We were given a brief orientation by Gareth, the cave-guide, on certain maneuvers to assume when inside the cave. Bottom-line is, to trust the guides.

First encounter was a small crevise leading to a small cave, followed by another crack with a rope leading to some 15 to 20 feet drop. Everyone was a bit scared and apprehensive. It was both a battle of the mind and body. When I took my turn, I tried recalling what the guide told us --- trust the guide. I slipped my body into that tiny crack without seeing where my feet will land. But as promised, a guide was at the bottom telling me where to put my feet and how I must turn. I followed without a doubt and true enough, the descent was easy. We encountered several rock formations, more crevices, cliffs, water falls, flow stones, etc. We even walked on cold pools of chest-deep water. In all these obstacles, the guide was always present showing and lighting the way. It also during that time that I appreciated the power of both darkness and light. When the gas-lamp was advancing too far, you can see the darkness engulfing the path infront of you as if was alive. But when you shout to the guide that you need the light, the burst of light immediately dissolves the darkness in an instant and gives you a relaxing feeling. The path that we are taking is always forward. There is no sense in looking back because it is already filled with darkness. Sometimes, you get off balance and acrophobic because of you realize the height you are in. But then, you hear the guide behind your back telling you to move on.

Suddenly, my life came flashing in my mind. I have been spelunking way before this trip --- the cave that is called Life. I believe that I started my life inside that cave of utter darkness not knowing where to go and what my purpose is. I have been groping in the dark, tripping on stones and rocks and plunging in cold waters. Then I saw the Guide carrying the light and followed. He said he is the Way and all I have to do is trust Him completely. On the first part of the journey, I obeyed like a child and clinged to Him tight. However, as I was getting the hang of it, I was slowly drifting away until I was covered in darkness. It reminded me of the time when we were almost half way through the cave that I was trying to wander ahead of the guide. There was even a funny and embarrassing incident wherein I was on top of the lead and the guide was far behind me. He told us to climb up the rocks because above it is the path to the exit. I was very confident because I’m the only one with the head lamp. I heard from behind that the guide was telling me to stop for awhile and wait for the others. I disobeyed and still moved on. The next thing that happened was, my hand landed on a pile of bat droppings. At that moment, the guide was already behind me and told me to go down because I was heading the wrong way. It was a humbling experience. The path he led us was a totally different way apart from what I thought was the most logical way out. When I thought of what happened, I realized that if I have no guide, I will be lost forever.

As I was crawling up that pile of boulders, it reminded me of the futility of looking back to the past. I tried turning my head to see where the others are and I felt my knees shake when I saw the height I was in. I regained my perspective and focused on what lies infront of me and what is ahead. It made me realize that truly there is no use lingering on past hurts because it will get you off balance. The here-and-now is what matters, most especially, the instruction of the Guide. I have to admit I got lost for awhile sometime ago and I was running around in circles. I can see the light but I kept on heading the other direction. What it brought me was more obstacles, more bruises and more pain. The Guide was calling me out of the darkness and His light was ever present. He never stopped pursuing me until I walk with Him again. I’m glad that I did.

The cave of my life is not yet over. All I need is a “spelunking faith” to complete it and come out to a place of rest that my Guide prepared for me. Despite the bruises I got from the journey, He will heal them one by one. At the end of the cave, an Everlasting Light welcomes me with springs of living water to refresh me and give me renewed strength. The reward is just but simple --- eternity with the Guide.

Paving the way

I just don’t understand why God has allowed me to be alone until this time of my life. I have been living a good life. I became a doctor. I got recognized for my hard work on some occassions. My colleagues admire me for what I do. I never heard a very derogatory remark against me. It was all praises. I did my job well and even did extra. I walk the extra mile for anybody, especially my friends. Some would even say that I am good catch. But why, why on earth has anyone found me yet and would bravely say to my face that they want to spend the rest of their lives with me. Why am I still tangled up with the past relationship I had? What has he done or have I done that keeps me feeling so hurt and wasted? I have to admit, I really can’t move on. Maybe because I gave so much and loved someone so deep I almost forgot who I am, until now. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t even know what I want to happen to make this pain stop. I guess it’s still so hard to accept the fact that someone you loved so much had the guts to fall out of love for you. It would have been better that no one has made me fall in love with them in the first place. I prayed earnestly day in and day out that God would intervene and somehow made him feel the pain that I am feeling. Or to cut the story short, make him love me again. I did almost everything so that he will have no reasons to look for another or need another. But I failed to see that it made him lose the excitement and eventually his love. I have read the signals way before he left, but I tried to ignore it and just decided to love him more. It didn’t seem to work. I guess I just need to find a reason to open my eyes that it is not worth crying over.
God has been good though. My sister was able to finish building her new house and she transfered in a few months. Later on they were able to sell it and now lives in Greenhills. The apartment in QC was being renovated and it was a total overhaul. An unexpected delay occured which left me living alone in a condo here in Pasig. Looking back, it was probably God’s way of ironing out my past to help eradicate any bit of memory I have with my ex-friend. Now either such place will never be seen or had a complete change from the past, so that new memories can be lived. I can also see it the other way, that maybe it is paving a way for something new.
I have every bit of my prayers and dreams answered. My becoming a doctor was never a passion, it seemed like an accident that happened. When it did happen, I just rode with it. It was a bit difficult but I survived. I made the best out of it and now I can’t imagine that I am now a specialist in a subject that I flunked in med school. Later on, when everything seems to have fallen in place, I slowly retreat and I don’t want to dare to dream. My aspirations are not very risky, instead, they are more realistic and low key. I just dream to be a teacher, no less. With such twists of coincidences, that too became a reality. However, one thing remained unrealized --- a partner in life who will learn to love me fully and stay.

Time of My Life

I've been waiting for my dreams to turn into something
I could believe in and looking for that magic rainbow on the horizon.
I couldn't see it until I let go.
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I'm coming alive, body and soul, and feeling my world start to turn.

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud.
I know this is the time.
This is the time to be more than a name, or a face in the crowd.
I know this is the time.
This is the time of my life.
The time of my life.

Holding onto things that vanished into the air, left me in pieces.
But now I'm rising from the ashes, finding my wings
And all that I needed was there all along within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart.

And I'm out on the edge of forever.
Ready to run.
I'm keeping my feet on the ground.
Arms open wide.
My face to the sun.

Perceptions

How do people perceive me?
Some say I am fun to be around with because of my sense of humor. Others would say that I am kind because I go the extra mile. When they ask favor from me, I would gladly go out of my way just to fulfill their requests. I even do favors for people that I am not really close with. Maybe I know how it feels like when somebody does something for me. When it comes to relationships, well, I give everything I got even if I know that it is not being reciprocated to the fullest. I love even when it hurts and will stay until the other decides to leave. In all these circumstances, despite the good things I do for other people, I am left alone. No one seems to stay. When they got what they want from me, they slip away, say their thank you’s and walk away.
Sad thing about this, some deliberately abuse you or make a fool of you. Partly it is my fault because I allow them to. They make a guy call you just to tease you forgetting who you are. They treat you as if you are a clown, someone who can be played around. It is as if you don’t have emotions and all that you can offer are jokes and foolishness. They don’t consider that I am a sensitive person capable of being hurt. Probably, I project a façade that is different from what I am feeling inside. I make fun of my failed relationship and how stupid I was then. Well, that gives them the impression that I am tough or probably someone who is easily trashed.
I still hurt inside. I try not to be too sensitive for fear that I might drive them away indirectly. I just take in whatever they throw at me. You just try to please people to gain their acceptance. But deep inside, you are hoping that someone out there would see beyond what they see outside. Unfortunately, that moment is yet to be seen. I don’t want to see myself as important and I maintain a low key. I just work behind the scenes and busy myself with what is important. At the end of the day, I only have myself to keep me company. I just fight the urge to ponder on the fact that the people I loved before are already in the arms of someone. What is more painful is the fact that I still long for them and dream that they would still wish to be with me. I know I need to fight that thought. I need to refocus my life and live like I used to before --- single, content and happy.
Sometimes, I am practically selling myself over the internet when I regularly edit my profiles and pictures in my Facebook or Friendster account, hoping that someone would “buy” me. It is truly pathetic, but I have no choice (or maybe I do). You just wish that among the multitudes on-line one would have the courage to say hi and show interest in you. I guess I am not really that bankable. I even envy my classmate that a guy took the courage and approached him. Now, they are together already. Sometimes I ask myself, maybe there is something wrong with me. Do I give them an unpleasant perception of me with the way I look, talk or behave? I guess so.
With regards my past relationships, they don’t seem to last. They leave me despite the love I gave them. I really wonder why. I loved by the book and even beyond that. I did things that are unthinkable and risked even my profession just to show them how much I love them. But still for reasons I don’t understand, their love fades at a time that my love for them is overflowing. So hard to uproot the love that has grown deep inside you and once uprooted, the chasm made in your heart is so deep it takes a long time to fill it up to heal. You try to avoid the places or things that remind you of them, but for some funny coincidences, you find large posters of their company as far as down south. Is this God’s humor? If it is, it is not funny. Tears just well up unconsciously and I can’t seem to breathe. I can’t fight the flashbacks of the past rushing my thoughts, beating me up over and over again. It indirectly affects my work. I seem to delay some things that can be done in a day because I want people’s attention.
Today, my barkada just got married. Her love life is an example of patient waiting. Her relationship started with a strong friendship. It was furthered strengthened by the hardships they’ve been together. The wedding ceremony is just an affirmation of what they feel towards each other. I am happy for them. I remind myself that they are the center of the day’s event. It is not about me. Being stubborn as we are, I ask myself, how many more weddings will I attend to and probably emcee? Will I ever be the groom? Will I see the day that someone will really commit to me and declare to everyone their love to me? Will I be busy making my own AVP for people to see and witness the times I shared with that special someone? Will I also cut the cake, sit on that special table, give our wedding gift to my parents and capping the day by saying thanks to those who attended the wedding?
Time is ticking. But I have to make the most of it and do more. I will just have to leave a legacy that will make the people remember me for my kindness. Whether or not I will be living the rest of my life unattached, I will still press on towards the goal set for me. If God would find me worthy to be loved by someone for a lifetime then so be it. I will have to follow God’s own timetable.
Regardless of how people treat me, perceive me and use me, it is still God’s own perception of me that matters. The journey is not smooth, but the obstacles make my legs strong and my heart enduring. But then again, the question remains …How do people perceive me?

No Air

Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air?

If I should die before I wake, it's coz you took my breath away.
Losing you is like living in a world with no air.
I'm here alone didn't want to leave.
My heart won't move it's incomplete.
Wish there was a way that I could make you understand.

But how do you expect me to live alone with just me?
Coz my world revolves around you, it's so hard for me to breathe.
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.
Can't live, can't breathe with no air.
That's how I feel when I know you aint here.
It's no air. No air.
Got me out here in the water so deep.
Tell me how you're gonna breathe without me.
If you aint here, I just can't breathe. No air.

I walked. I ran. I jumped. I flew.
Right off the ground to flow to you.
There's no gravity to hold me down for real.

Somehow, I am still alive inside.
You took my breath but I survived.
I don't know how but I don't even care.

How to save a life?

When I saw the patient at the treatment room, I had a gut feeling things will go worse. I don't know what came to my mind that prompted me to decide immediately to transfer the patient to a nearby hospital. Although he seems to be doing okay, I saw signs that he already had a stroke. In 5 minutes we were able to bring the patient downstairs and hailed for a cab. Then suddenly he was gasping for air gradually turning blue. I started chest compressions until the taxi arrived a few seconds later. Inside the cab, I never stopped pumping his chest and praying to God to give him more time. He was alone when it happened. I don't even know his name, age or where he came from. I'm not even sure what medical disease he has or what triggered the situation. All I know is he was on a certain medication and he doesn't know what is happening to him. I continued resuscitating him but I knew that I lost him half-way through our transit. How I wish I could give him breath or even give him a piece of my life until we reach the hospital. I gave everything, but to no avail. It was a culminating event in my life as a physician. I felt powerless. He died in my arms, despite the efforts I gave. I didn't question God but asked Him what message He wants to tell me in this event. I felt so inadequate. Honestly, I don't see myself as a good doctor. I feel that I need to know more. I don't even deserve wearing a white blazer because I know it signifies a lot of responsibility. I don't even brag that I am a doctor when I am asked by acquaintances. I feel that I have a long way to go. Nowadays, physicians are no longer accorded with much respect and honor. They see us as some skilled personnel being paid by HMO's. We are paid for routine services that their insurance policies promised. Patient's now dictate on us what we are supposed to do. We are dragged into commercialism. Gone are the days that physicians are given utmost respect. All are into money making. In fact, they respect nurses and call center agents more than physicians. Sad to say, we earn so much less and we are still under our parents turf. It clouds our desire and calling to serve humanity, because our wallets are empty. We want to give more but our stomachs are grumbling. We give all we can to our patients even if we don't get anything in return. Most of the time, you don't even hear them say, "thank you".
I guess I encounter the same fate in my relationships. I give everything --- my time, my money --- but we don't get anything in return. Despite the sacrifices you give just to make them love you back, they seem as cold as death. You try your best to resuscitate the bond, but they gradually drift away. You still hang on and give whatever you got, hoping maybe they would wake up, but you see signs that it is hopeless. Crazy thing about us, even if we know they are dead, we still revive them. I share the same predicament, I still love them even if I know they are gone already. Sad thing about it, they forgot everything you did for them. They think you are dispensable.
It is my hope one day that someone would stay with me. That I will not worry about resuscitating the relationship or shall I say "save a life". I do hope I would come to rest my heart with that special person who will love me as I am despite of.

Wrong Equation

It’s as if he just broke up with me yesterday. The pain of being left is still as intense as the time it happened and it’s more than one and half years has passed already. Last Sunday, I accidentally saw him at the mall. We almost bump into each other. I noticed that someone was looking at me from a distance and when I looked back, to my surprise, it was him. I pretended not to notice him and immediately looked at my cellphone. I didn’t attempt to look back and headed straight to the parking lot. I was rushing to go to UP Manila to meet my classmates to tour the Vietnamese delegates. From the time I left Megamall all the way to UP Manila, my eyes were flooded with tears. Flashbacks of the past immediately tormented me. Still I cannot come to terms with the fact that I was left despite the love I gave. I feel that my mission was not complete. I feel that I need to do more or maybe I failed to do something. I thought loving someone with everything you got would make them love you back. Now I’m thinking, maybe I misunderstood the equation, if I would love less maybe he might love me more. In any case, I did try to act to care less at one point so he won’t feel choked by my love, but it didn’t work. I endured the coldness he showed me for the remaining months of the relationship. I know something is wrong but I remained true to my promise to love him and be the last to say goodbye. I was bleeding inside but it didn’t stop me from loving him. I never owed him anything. I never even demanded any material things. Everything I have, my dreams, my plans were all second priority. I lost track of myself and who I am. It was all about him. I don’t even know what my favorite food, color or place is. All I care about is that he is doing okay. Seeing him is joy beyond compare. Irony of it is that he doesn’t show the same enthusiasm. I don’t know where I went wrong. Probably, I did love him too much. So what’s wrong with that? I guess the consequence is that I suffer until now. I cannot move on. I cannot love freely. I feel that I still have some tasks to do for him. I was interrupted, so to speak. Maybe I want to try a different equation of love just to make him love me back. I did everything by the book, but why did it still go wrong? I loved him beyond the words of the ballads played everyday, but still he wasn’t able to love me as much. I have never felt so unloved in my life. To add to it, he thinks that I deserved what happened. I was dropped like hot potato. In fact, he felt relieved that I was out of his life. He felt that I was a burden. How was I burden when I was the one making the effort to reach out to him.

Sometimes I wish I was dumb, clueless or even heartless. It’s twice as hard to cope up when you know what’s happening and you know what you’re supposed to do but still you took the wrong way. My friends are telling me to let go the first time when I noticed some changes in him, but still persisted to hang on and love him. I sacrificed a lot of my time for myself and with my friends just to be with him. Even if I was tired from a 24 hour duty, I still offered to drive him to work because seeing him keeps me alive. My savings were slowly draining from gas consumption and phone expenses, but still opted to give it away just for him. I don’t want to be a burden to him, hoping that this will make him want me more. Yet, he was drifting away gradually. I can’t forget the times that he doesn’t even want me to come inside his house and even his room. He doesn’t want to hear how my day was because it affects him as he still starts his day. He doesn’t talk while I am driving him to work. He doesn’t hold my hand like he did before. I never get a text message telling me to take care on my way home and that he loves me. He was drifting away so fast. Despite these, I suffered in silence. I held on to my promise to love him until he tells me he doesn’t want me anymore. It was so easy for him to walk out on me. It’s as if a contract has expired and he just moved on so quickly as if there were no emotions involved. I wish there was another party involved, but he claimed there was none. Looking back, it could have been easy accepting that fact than giving me no reason at all, that he simply fell out of love. But I did comply with the equation of love. Did I miss a decimal, a formula or variable? Isn’t the math of love exact as its real counterpart? I thought 1 plus 1 gives you 2? But in my case, the sum was zero.

Such a devastating love life I went through. Twice left behind! I guess there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should love less, don’t you think? But deep in my heart it is not me if I did so. I don’t even want to look for another. I’m still trapped in the past. I guess I want to love him still because I promised myself that I will help him fulfill his dreams of going abroad. It was cut short. I was hoping to bring him to the airport when that day comes even if it means the end of the relationship. I’m happy enough to have paved the way to slowly reach his dreams. I was able to help him renew his passport, get a “cedula” for his application to New York, etc. It was painful seeing these things unfold because it meant the end is nearing. True enough, the end of the relationship came first.

I hope one day I get over this madness. I do hope someone will learn to love me for real and will stay for good. I don’t want to wander around searching. My heart is so tired. I just want to come home to someone who needs me and longs to be with me because I will love that person more. I just simply want someone by my side together loving each other and dreaming together. I hope I get the equation right this time.

Mending

It’s so hard to start over again. Picking up the broken pieces is equally difficult and entails a lot of determination. I guess I’m almost done putting the fragments together and gluing them in place. It’s still fragile. It needs a little more time to dry up as I still go and search for the missing pieces. I can stand tall now though a bit shaky. Although there are still moments when glimpses of the past distract my silence and a tear or two is shed, but I remain standing.

A new person has stepped in or maybe fate has allowed him to come at this time of healing. He is also in the process of putting back his broken self. His presence allowed me to redirect my focus on building a new friendship and leave the past behind. It is helping me open my eyes to the world that is before me, that someone out there is in need. I have to give out the love I have inside me that never died down and hopefully never will. This new encounter is totally different. It is a test of patience and trust in the literal sense. We are oceans apart, so to speak, and he visits the country twice in a year. My impatience of not seeing someone you care about is put to the test. It is imperative that I delay gratification for a fixed period of time --- six months, the least. Trusting is likewise a virtue to reckon with because all you have to hold on to are the words of reassurance the other is giving. I have no issue regarding fidelity because it’s never in my vocabulary. The sacrifice is great and the potential for being betrayed is high. Unfortunately, the anticipated pain will be immense with a league of its own.

Best Man's Toast

“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat? Or What shall we drink? Or what shall we wear? … your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.”

(Matthew 6:31-33)

I believe that almost everyone in this room right now knows the newly weds, in one way or the other. You have your own version of the character and personality of this couple and how they are related to you. Anyway, since I’m the “Best Man”, I’ll share to you my own version of who these 2 people are to me and my view of their love story.

We are three siblings in the family. I’m the middle child, the “better version’ of Kuya Jon. He is a totally different person when we were kids, though he retained some genetically implanted behavior that we learned to tolerate.

Honestly, my Kuya and I never really spent much quality time together when we were kids. He is usually outdoors playing basketball (as if!) with his barkada and spending overnight. I was left home with my sister Tin-tin playing Barbie. (Joke lang!)

I never knew much about his love life and I think he never even brought a girl at home. He is always with the barkada --- male bonding ever. But there was a time when he was in high school that he kept a picture of a girl from school in a cheerleader outfit. I never made my assumptions but that’s the closest I got of knowing the he is capable of loving another person. Kasi puro BOYS kasama niya.

Anyway, several years later, he met a YWAM missionary named, Desiree. This was a major event in his life --- COURTSHIP to the max --- kaso nga lang long distance. Unfortunately, Kuya was turned down because it wasn’t feasible for both parties. After that heartache, there was a long period of silence.

Kuya became busy with his studies in seminary and then finally found himself as a full time worker in a small church in San Pedro, Laguna --- The Lord Reigns Christian Church. I saw how Kuya fell in love with God’s work and ministry. He spent his time reading and developing new learning tools for his students. It was a tough job.

All of a sudden, a rumor was brewing and came to my attention, that his student named Billie had a crush on him. I can’t believe the news because I never expected that someone can actually fall for Kuya.

I was on the look-out for this “Billie” person. I thought, “lalake yun”. Until finally, there was a time I picked up the phone in Pacita and it was Billie, looking for Kuya. Major “nagtataray ako”. “Aba, tawag ng tawag ang Billie!” Lalo ako nairita. I was looking for her sa church pero I can’t seem to find her. So she was a mystery. Until finally, I heard the news that they are together already. I was so naiinis. Honestly, kasi I can’t accept the fact na ako na lang “single” sa family. Anyway, when Billie and I were introduced, I snobbed her and wanted her to win my respect. It took some time when finally I came to my senses that I’m wasting my time getting mad at her for reasons that I made up.

I was mad because I never knew how they came about and I was introduced to her when they are already a couple. I felt by-passed. I can’t blame them because I’m busy with my hospital duties. I never investigated on the details of their relationship. I just let them be. Though still, there are questions left unanswered.

Few months back, my question was answered unexpectedly. In one of Kuya’s message, he said he loved Billie because “she was in love with God” --- and that answered everything.

The passage that I read a while ago becomes a living testament to God’s promise. Kuya Jon and Billie were busy loving God & seeking God’s kingdom. They never worried about what they will wear, what to eat and probably who to marry. Who could have thought that Kuya Jon will end up in that small church in Laguna, accidentally meeting Billie. Both were treading different paths --- two separate but straight paths. But God chose to cross their paths at just the right time at the right place.

God was never slow in His promise. I can say that their meeting & their union has been set-up by their real BEST MAN, Jesus Christ, and I can’t find a better lady/woman/companion to fit Kuya Jon but Billie, a woman who is after God’s own heart, and I’m a witness to it.

Now, I ask everyone to join me as I give this toast to the couple. I’d like to read an excerpt from Mike Mason:

“Real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for His grace.”

To Kuya Jon and Billie, keep on loving God more & may the creator of TRUE ROMANCE bless you.

Downcast Dad

"Why so downcast, O my soul? Put your hope in God" (Psalms)

Everyone was asked to share what has been disturbing our hearts lately or even for a long time. Some shared about health problems disturbing them, while others regarding relationships. My Dad captured all our attention when he added with a little hesitation about his unresolved bitterness with his mom. It was a surprise that he disclosed everything. I realized now where his short-temperedness towards his mom was coming from. His feelings of rejection and the absence of a motherly love caused his heart to be bitter & unforgiving. At a very young age, my Dad was separated from his mom and grew up with his relatives. His elder sister and younger brother were reared by their mother and was given all the perks a regular child should have. He worked his way to finish his studies. He even worked in a construction sales outlet carrying cement sacks & pipes. When he found a stable job, he moved away from his family in Bulacan and eventually stayed in Manila. He married my mom, had children and slowly climbed up the corporate ladder. His siblings still under the care of their mother. Years passed and the tide turned against his siblings. His brother went bankrupt and lost his job. His sister likewise is widowed and depends on the pension from their mother. My cousins suffered also to the point that they borrow money from us, especially from our dad. My dad gave without question and never expected anything in return. However, his heart still feels hurt and lonely whenever he thinks of his mom. He doesn't know how to love her and even where to start loving her. My grandmother never gave an explanation to him why such happened in the past. Now, my dad is asking for a resolution to that issue. He never can explain why tears fall whenever he sees his mom cry and why he burns in anger when he sees his mom hurt. I guess my dad is waiting for my grandmother to apologize for what she did. After all these were said, my dad burst into tears. I admire him for that. It was like an awakening for all of us that he going through that hearache for such a long time. I hope that soon they would resolve this issue.

Meredith

There is a new U.S. T.V.-series that my co-residents and some of our consultants are talking about --- Grey's Anatomy. It is a mock title from one of our textbooks during Med school, Gray's Anatomy. The show is about the life of a surgical intern (or first year resident, locally), including their personal and emotional issues. The whole series revolves around 5 interns, particularly the main actor, Meredith Grey, to which the series was aptly named after. I'm really impressed by the writers because of their accuracy regarding medical terminology and the “props” they used.
However, there is one character that I can relate to regarding his emotional struggle --- George O'Malley. He is one of the five interns who is portrayed as a dependable, intelligent, sometimes gullible guy. It's not that trait that I'm referring to, for the record. Anyway, he is in love with Meredith but doesn't have the courage to say so because of her strong personality and her involvement with their Neuro-surgeon. Meredith treats him as one of his close friends since he rents in her house along with another co-intern. He was even thought of as being gay because he lives with 2 female interns and share their bathroom. He has no girlfriend during the early part of the season which makes the suspicion more likely. However, he proved them wrong eventually. He seems to try to impress Meredith indirectly, but is fully aware that he can't compete with the consultant she is madly in-love with, who by the way is married to their OB-Gyn consultant. He is witness to her escapades, heartaches and struggles. Despite all these, he fully supports her and just like his other friends is willing to go the extra mile. George eventually had a girlfriend, an orthopedic surgeon, who really likes him. But still, he can't seem to get over Meredith and he would choose to prioritize her above her girlfriend. There was a time when Meredith was depressed and George was left comforting her, eventually transference occurred and they found themselves making love. While in bed, Meredith suddenly breaks out in tears for no reason. George was offended because he knew she was thinking of her lover. That incident severed their friendship. He had no choice but to pack his bags and leave Meredith’s house. The third season of this T.V. series will hopefully resolve this issue.
Being a George O’Malley is somewhat pathetic. You have so much talent and knowledge to give, but are afraid to share it because of the stereotype that people around have attributed to you. You are even capable of loving, maybe more passionate, but fear rejection and losing an important friend. What makes the situation complicated is that the person you are attracted to (Meredith) is in-love with another who is far better. Oh, the irony of love life. Why is it that for some reason we fall in love with another who is not interested in us? There are a lot of times that even if we have invested our time with that special someone, still we don’t get their approval, considering the fact that we have been there for them during times when she is at her lowest. Just so not to lose them out of our sight, we hide our true feelings and the “George” in us comes out, doing silly things to help please that person and conceal our emotions. However, some friends will push us to take the risk and confront the issue. They see a different outcome from what you realistically imagine. Sometimes you are tempted to really put the issue to a close. But the insecurity chokes you and finds yourself walking back. In the end, you are left on the sidelines watching your Meredith in the company of another. Then, there’s a nagging voice telling you, “If only…”
All of us have “Meredith’s” in our lives. We have played the role of George once, twice or maybe right now. It may sound a bit sad playing his role, but the good thing is, like any other T.V. series, there’s always another season to look forward to. I hope my next season will be to my favor.

Proper Timing

"1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."
(Eccesiastes 3)

A cliche passage to most of us, yet still holds meaning & power in certain issues of our lives.
In one of my duties in the hospital, a colleague of mine heard me complaining that our duty was "toxic" (in lay-man's term: busy) and getting worse by the minute. She told me that all things has an end to it. Our duty will eventually end after 24 hours and we can finally hit the bed to rest. There is wisdom to what she said and that was the inspiration I got when I reread this passage of scripture. However, its application does not end there, it also addressed personal issues in my life. It reminded me that its probably time for me to "mend". I have had so many heartbreaks in the past and I feel so scattered. I had a closure with a person in my recent past, but it dawned on me that I need to have a resolution within myself. A "time to gather" has to commence for a genuine healing to take place. We have a choice whether we remain in a certain "time" or move on with God's time.

Best Man

"Best Man?" Such a privilege, but it's a case-to-case basis. I had mixed emotions when my Kuya Jon told me that I will be his Best Man on his wedding this December. I felt being the odd-man in the family, now that I'm the only "single" sibling. Looking back, I thought my brother will be the last one to get married. I was conceited enough before to think so. He is very subtle with regards courtship. I never really had a training on such ritual. Funny thing though, I'm very good at pushing guys into courting another girl and giving advice. Unfortunately, I'm a total loser at it. I guess that explains why I'm the only bachelor in the family now. It's much of a choice really (as if) and probably a result of wrong choices I made early in life.
Being the Best Man means a lot more than performing certain duties during the ceremony. It comes with a responsibility of living out that title. I was expecting that my brother would choose some of his churchmate or co-worker, but alas, poor me, I had no choice or the other way around. I guess they chose me because I will host the reception, to cut their budget, and be a stand up comedian at the same time. But regardless of their reason, I'm very happy and honored to be able to play an important role in their lives. Next question is, will I find myself asking my brother to be the bestman in my wedding also?

The Passion that was Brokeback

Ennis del Mar is a guy who embodies the traditional. Very restrained in his emotions and unexpressive. This is partly because he was conditioned (traumatized) from his childhood that a lifestyle beyond the norm is scorned at and even punished. He once experienced a life of plenty until his parents died and left them only $24 on a coffee can. He was taken cared of by his brother & sister. Her sister married a rough neck and took off. He and his brother found job on some ranch and later on got married. Ennis was then left alone and jumps from one casual job to another & now found himself working on Brokeback Mountain for a summer job. He is living within his means and works double time to feed himself. Being independent most of his life, he learned how to be domesticated. He denies himself of simple pleasures to prioritize what is essential.
Jack Twist has a different struggle to contend with. He has his parents, but his father is very secretive, unsupportive and doesn’t share his thoughts. His dad never see him ride his favorite sport --- rodeo. I guess it was his way of getting attention from his dad. He is not as worried regarding financial matters and knows how to get extra income by doing rodeo. His personality is totally different from Ennis. He is outspoken, endearing & funny. Has a sense of initiative and brave enough to express his emotions. He has no negative stigma attached to a queer relationship.
Brokeback mountain served as a venue for these two unique individuals to discover a relationship that is beyond the norm. They never said “I love you” to each other. Their actuations was louder than the words itself. Love was a force that they can’t handle. It was like a raging flood hitting them right infront of their face. They tried to deny it but to no avail. Their unspoken emotions haunts them every single day of their lives even if they were miles apart. It was the guiding force that makes their existence more exciting & worth living.
Ennis has no clear plans, but is well aware that there is a possibility. He just doesn’t want Jack to give up the comfortable life he is in right now. Probably, Ennis is afraid that Jack might end up like him, broke & broken. Amidst all these, Jack remained optimistic and never gave up on that dream that they will one day live together and be “like this always”. He is just waiting for Ennis to give the go signal. Unfortunately, Ennis is not aware that Jack had already laid the plans and he just dismissed it as a wishful thinking. They thought that meeting up on the mountain every now & then is enough, until finally after almost 20 years on one of their trips, their feelings for each other welled-up. Jack was missing Ennis so much that twice or thrice a year of meeting is not just enough. Ennis is too much for him to handle. He wants their relationship to transcend what they had in Brokeback and move on with what they truly feel for each other. Ennis likewise admitted that he is going nowhere in his life because of Jack. A passionate moment of disclosure before he lost Jack in a tragic accident. It was a painful thought that Ennis was the last to know about this event. Now he was left with the shirt & jacket, stained with blood, that they wore when they were in Brokeback more two decades ago. It remained a testament of their unspoken, yet undying love for each other. Just like Ennis said, “Jack, I swear…”
This story of friendship struck me to the core. The first embrace when they met after four years was for me an explosion of pure love & passion. Two mature men, each had a life of their own, had another life living in their minds that was long overdue for fulfillment. As I see my previous relationships, no one has come close to what the movie portrayed. It may seem ideal but it is possible. This has raised the bar on how I or everyone should view friendships or relationships. Expressing your true feelings and taking the risk is what people lack. We deny each other the truth that the other must hear and finding ourselves hurt in the end. So many lessons learned, I hope we all come to realize it. This has made an impact on me and allowed me to be more careful on my emotions. The passion in friendship & love is what we need to give life into it.

Closure

I turned a year older yesterday. Was it good news or bad news? Depends. My cellphone was slowly flooded by text messages greeting me, from the wee hours in the morning until late last night. I have to admit, I was kinda wishful thinking that I get a greeting from him. Fate was probably good to me, that around 2PM, I got an SMS from an unregistered number - "Hi chris. Happy birthday po. May God bless u always -- 'his name'". My face lighted up. The final closure. It doesn't really matter whether he was still thinking of me. I do, too. But now I realized that I should not resent what happened to us. I was directing my anger to him and what he did all this time, when in fact, I was really angry at myself for allowing such event to come to pass. It is true that our greatest enemy is ourselves. From day one, I had the choice to say no and spare myself of the pain and hurt that stemmed from the break-up. I forced myself to make it happen without seeing the repercusions. I have built a fantasy world to conform to what I thought was a trend. The pain was unbelievable at first. Thank God I came back to my senses early.

I'd like you to meet...

Sam is our very first niece. She is truly a bundle of joy when she was added to our family. However, the announcement of her arrival brought both happiness and disappointment. Trust was broken. Everyone felt betrayed, especially me. I was shattered to pieces. I felt that my ties with my sister was slowly melting away. We drifted apart, or rather I chose to shut her off my life.
Time eventually healed the hurt I was feeling. Sam's presence hastened the process. Early last year, I found myself laughing with my sister just like the way we were before. But the healing was not really complete. Sam's dad is out of the picture. He was truly the object of my resentment. From the time that we had a confrontation when they told us the news about Sam, our paths never crossed. We tried to avoid each other, because both of us reminds us of the hurt we caused each other. Every family member makes a conscious effort so that we won't bump into each other. There came a point that my sister disclosed to me that her husband doesn't want me to step in their home.
The healing process was long but there are signs of progress. We passed a lot of opportuities to finally meet and build bridges. Last Christmas, it was nothing special but at the back of my mind, if ever he drops by, I will try to make the first move. Unfortunately, he didn' came.
On New Year's eve, the whole family had lunch at my sister's house before heading back to Laguna to welcome the New Year --- for the sake of family tradition. My parents & brother went ahead and I was left to drive my sister & Sam. Little did I know that they intentionally left me because Sam's dad will be coming over to have dinner with them before we head off to Laguna. To make the long story short, he came but went upstairs to the master's bedroom. I was at the dirty kitchen finishing the barbeque. When dinner time came, Sam was bugging me to join her on the table and meet her dad. It was inevitable. With Sam dragging me to the dinner table, she called to her dad then we found ourselves shaking hands, "Papa, I'd like you to meet tito Tope..." The rest is history.

Vindicated

Five months? Ganun na ba katagal? I really don't believe it myself, but it is. I severed all types of connection with him, from his cellphone number, friendster account and even his friends. I never made attempts of getting in touch with him in anyway because there's no point in doing so. From that fateful day last June, I get text messages from him saying hello every now and then. The most recent was last month when he called me up. To my surprise, because his number is not registered on my phone anymore, it was him. He was asking how I am. I feel vindicated. I really don't know what his purpose is, but now I realized that he is not worth coming back to.
Honestly, there are times when I'm plagued with the thought of being with someone special again. Sometimes, my very young niece notices that I need "to find someone to love." Maybe she is right, but not now or anytime in the near future. Lovelife seems to repel me. All the people that I loved in the past, just didn't see me "right" for them. I guess my friend was right, when she said that my recent relationship was a whirlwind romance. I grabbed the opportunity of being loved, even when that person hasn't passed the screening procedure. Now, I'm left afraid and traumatized. Actually, I'm a bit curious as to who he will replace me with. I'm very much tempted to compare myself and the one he has now. What is it in me that makes me unpopular in the romance scene? Didn't I play by the rules? Did I overdo certain tasks? Am I unlovable? I always end up by myself and they with someone else. I really don't know where to put my heart. It seeks to love someone else and nurture a lasting relationship. I tried to look for it, but seems to hide from me. I tried to wait instead, it did came but only for a while. What's next? I'm just happy to know that I never cheated anyone and that I have loved to the fullest. Right now, I am content to know that I'm vindicated, as evidenced by the attempts made by my previous relationship to get in touch with me. I pity him. He just lost a great treasure.
I'm still hoping that that "someone" will come or probably right in front of my nose already. While waiting, my task right now is to be the "right"person and make efforts to improve myself. Thanks for the vindication.

Month-sary

Time flies. It has been a month since the time I rose up from the rubble of my emotional disaster. I found myself breaking away from the habit I developed --- expecting a text message daily, going out with him, and spending the night together. I have gone back to the mainstream of life. Emotions are withering away like a melting ice. A gap that was left is almost completely repaired and filled in with essential matters. Now I am fully equipped to face a similar and much more difficult issue. It gave me tools to help others confronted with a similar situation. Ironically, the friend who helped me gain back my self-image and identity after my pathetic depression, is in the same predicament as I did before. It’s funny that I’m just returning the favor. I can’t help but see myself in her shoes during my emotional turmoil. Now, I’m giving her advice on the same thing that she told me to do to overcome such madness. In fairness, her situation is much more maturely dealt with and has a proper closure. An act of sacrifice, by letting go of the other, for him to finally give out his time and attention to whom it is rightfully due. Such a wonderful feeling that finally I saw my friend rise up and celebrate her own month-sary.

Closing a cycle by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.