Perceptions

How do people perceive me?
Some say I am fun to be around with because of my sense of humor. Others would say that I am kind because I go the extra mile. When they ask favor from me, I would gladly go out of my way just to fulfill their requests. I even do favors for people that I am not really close with. Maybe I know how it feels like when somebody does something for me. When it comes to relationships, well, I give everything I got even if I know that it is not being reciprocated to the fullest. I love even when it hurts and will stay until the other decides to leave. In all these circumstances, despite the good things I do for other people, I am left alone. No one seems to stay. When they got what they want from me, they slip away, say their thank you’s and walk away.
Sad thing about this, some deliberately abuse you or make a fool of you. Partly it is my fault because I allow them to. They make a guy call you just to tease you forgetting who you are. They treat you as if you are a clown, someone who can be played around. It is as if you don’t have emotions and all that you can offer are jokes and foolishness. They don’t consider that I am a sensitive person capable of being hurt. Probably, I project a façade that is different from what I am feeling inside. I make fun of my failed relationship and how stupid I was then. Well, that gives them the impression that I am tough or probably someone who is easily trashed.
I still hurt inside. I try not to be too sensitive for fear that I might drive them away indirectly. I just take in whatever they throw at me. You just try to please people to gain their acceptance. But deep inside, you are hoping that someone out there would see beyond what they see outside. Unfortunately, that moment is yet to be seen. I don’t want to see myself as important and I maintain a low key. I just work behind the scenes and busy myself with what is important. At the end of the day, I only have myself to keep me company. I just fight the urge to ponder on the fact that the people I loved before are already in the arms of someone. What is more painful is the fact that I still long for them and dream that they would still wish to be with me. I know I need to fight that thought. I need to refocus my life and live like I used to before --- single, content and happy.
Sometimes, I am practically selling myself over the internet when I regularly edit my profiles and pictures in my Facebook or Friendster account, hoping that someone would “buy” me. It is truly pathetic, but I have no choice (or maybe I do). You just wish that among the multitudes on-line one would have the courage to say hi and show interest in you. I guess I am not really that bankable. I even envy my classmate that a guy took the courage and approached him. Now, they are together already. Sometimes I ask myself, maybe there is something wrong with me. Do I give them an unpleasant perception of me with the way I look, talk or behave? I guess so.
With regards my past relationships, they don’t seem to last. They leave me despite the love I gave them. I really wonder why. I loved by the book and even beyond that. I did things that are unthinkable and risked even my profession just to show them how much I love them. But still for reasons I don’t understand, their love fades at a time that my love for them is overflowing. So hard to uproot the love that has grown deep inside you and once uprooted, the chasm made in your heart is so deep it takes a long time to fill it up to heal. You try to avoid the places or things that remind you of them, but for some funny coincidences, you find large posters of their company as far as down south. Is this God’s humor? If it is, it is not funny. Tears just well up unconsciously and I can’t seem to breathe. I can’t fight the flashbacks of the past rushing my thoughts, beating me up over and over again. It indirectly affects my work. I seem to delay some things that can be done in a day because I want people’s attention.
Today, my barkada just got married. Her love life is an example of patient waiting. Her relationship started with a strong friendship. It was furthered strengthened by the hardships they’ve been together. The wedding ceremony is just an affirmation of what they feel towards each other. I am happy for them. I remind myself that they are the center of the day’s event. It is not about me. Being stubborn as we are, I ask myself, how many more weddings will I attend to and probably emcee? Will I ever be the groom? Will I see the day that someone will really commit to me and declare to everyone their love to me? Will I be busy making my own AVP for people to see and witness the times I shared with that special someone? Will I also cut the cake, sit on that special table, give our wedding gift to my parents and capping the day by saying thanks to those who attended the wedding?
Time is ticking. But I have to make the most of it and do more. I will just have to leave a legacy that will make the people remember me for my kindness. Whether or not I will be living the rest of my life unattached, I will still press on towards the goal set for me. If God would find me worthy to be loved by someone for a lifetime then so be it. I will have to follow God’s own timetable.
Regardless of how people treat me, perceive me and use me, it is still God’s own perception of me that matters. The journey is not smooth, but the obstacles make my legs strong and my heart enduring. But then again, the question remains …How do people perceive me?