How to save a life?

When I saw the patient at the treatment room, I had a gut feeling things will go worse. I don't know what came to my mind that prompted me to decide immediately to transfer the patient to a nearby hospital. Although he seems to be doing okay, I saw signs that he already had a stroke. In 5 minutes we were able to bring the patient downstairs and hailed for a cab. Then suddenly he was gasping for air gradually turning blue. I started chest compressions until the taxi arrived a few seconds later. Inside the cab, I never stopped pumping his chest and praying to God to give him more time. He was alone when it happened. I don't even know his name, age or where he came from. I'm not even sure what medical disease he has or what triggered the situation. All I know is he was on a certain medication and he doesn't know what is happening to him. I continued resuscitating him but I knew that I lost him half-way through our transit. How I wish I could give him breath or even give him a piece of my life until we reach the hospital. I gave everything, but to no avail. It was a culminating event in my life as a physician. I felt powerless. He died in my arms, despite the efforts I gave. I didn't question God but asked Him what message He wants to tell me in this event. I felt so inadequate. Honestly, I don't see myself as a good doctor. I feel that I need to know more. I don't even deserve wearing a white blazer because I know it signifies a lot of responsibility. I don't even brag that I am a doctor when I am asked by acquaintances. I feel that I have a long way to go. Nowadays, physicians are no longer accorded with much respect and honor. They see us as some skilled personnel being paid by HMO's. We are paid for routine services that their insurance policies promised. Patient's now dictate on us what we are supposed to do. We are dragged into commercialism. Gone are the days that physicians are given utmost respect. All are into money making. In fact, they respect nurses and call center agents more than physicians. Sad to say, we earn so much less and we are still under our parents turf. It clouds our desire and calling to serve humanity, because our wallets are empty. We want to give more but our stomachs are grumbling. We give all we can to our patients even if we don't get anything in return. Most of the time, you don't even hear them say, "thank you".
I guess I encounter the same fate in my relationships. I give everything --- my time, my money --- but we don't get anything in return. Despite the sacrifices you give just to make them love you back, they seem as cold as death. You try your best to resuscitate the bond, but they gradually drift away. You still hang on and give whatever you got, hoping maybe they would wake up, but you see signs that it is hopeless. Crazy thing about us, even if we know they are dead, we still revive them. I share the same predicament, I still love them even if I know they are gone already. Sad thing about it, they forgot everything you did for them. They think you are dispensable.
It is my hope one day that someone would stay with me. That I will not worry about resuscitating the relationship or shall I say "save a life". I do hope I would come to rest my heart with that special person who will love me as I am despite of.

Wrong Equation

It’s as if he just broke up with me yesterday. The pain of being left is still as intense as the time it happened and it’s more than one and half years has passed already. Last Sunday, I accidentally saw him at the mall. We almost bump into each other. I noticed that someone was looking at me from a distance and when I looked back, to my surprise, it was him. I pretended not to notice him and immediately looked at my cellphone. I didn’t attempt to look back and headed straight to the parking lot. I was rushing to go to UP Manila to meet my classmates to tour the Vietnamese delegates. From the time I left Megamall all the way to UP Manila, my eyes were flooded with tears. Flashbacks of the past immediately tormented me. Still I cannot come to terms with the fact that I was left despite the love I gave. I feel that my mission was not complete. I feel that I need to do more or maybe I failed to do something. I thought loving someone with everything you got would make them love you back. Now I’m thinking, maybe I misunderstood the equation, if I would love less maybe he might love me more. In any case, I did try to act to care less at one point so he won’t feel choked by my love, but it didn’t work. I endured the coldness he showed me for the remaining months of the relationship. I know something is wrong but I remained true to my promise to love him and be the last to say goodbye. I was bleeding inside but it didn’t stop me from loving him. I never owed him anything. I never even demanded any material things. Everything I have, my dreams, my plans were all second priority. I lost track of myself and who I am. It was all about him. I don’t even know what my favorite food, color or place is. All I care about is that he is doing okay. Seeing him is joy beyond compare. Irony of it is that he doesn’t show the same enthusiasm. I don’t know where I went wrong. Probably, I did love him too much. So what’s wrong with that? I guess the consequence is that I suffer until now. I cannot move on. I cannot love freely. I feel that I still have some tasks to do for him. I was interrupted, so to speak. Maybe I want to try a different equation of love just to make him love me back. I did everything by the book, but why did it still go wrong? I loved him beyond the words of the ballads played everyday, but still he wasn’t able to love me as much. I have never felt so unloved in my life. To add to it, he thinks that I deserved what happened. I was dropped like hot potato. In fact, he felt relieved that I was out of his life. He felt that I was a burden. How was I burden when I was the one making the effort to reach out to him.

Sometimes I wish I was dumb, clueless or even heartless. It’s twice as hard to cope up when you know what’s happening and you know what you’re supposed to do but still you took the wrong way. My friends are telling me to let go the first time when I noticed some changes in him, but still persisted to hang on and love him. I sacrificed a lot of my time for myself and with my friends just to be with him. Even if I was tired from a 24 hour duty, I still offered to drive him to work because seeing him keeps me alive. My savings were slowly draining from gas consumption and phone expenses, but still opted to give it away just for him. I don’t want to be a burden to him, hoping that this will make him want me more. Yet, he was drifting away gradually. I can’t forget the times that he doesn’t even want me to come inside his house and even his room. He doesn’t want to hear how my day was because it affects him as he still starts his day. He doesn’t talk while I am driving him to work. He doesn’t hold my hand like he did before. I never get a text message telling me to take care on my way home and that he loves me. He was drifting away so fast. Despite these, I suffered in silence. I held on to my promise to love him until he tells me he doesn’t want me anymore. It was so easy for him to walk out on me. It’s as if a contract has expired and he just moved on so quickly as if there were no emotions involved. I wish there was another party involved, but he claimed there was none. Looking back, it could have been easy accepting that fact than giving me no reason at all, that he simply fell out of love. But I did comply with the equation of love. Did I miss a decimal, a formula or variable? Isn’t the math of love exact as its real counterpart? I thought 1 plus 1 gives you 2? But in my case, the sum was zero.

Such a devastating love life I went through. Twice left behind! I guess there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should love less, don’t you think? But deep in my heart it is not me if I did so. I don’t even want to look for another. I’m still trapped in the past. I guess I want to love him still because I promised myself that I will help him fulfill his dreams of going abroad. It was cut short. I was hoping to bring him to the airport when that day comes even if it means the end of the relationship. I’m happy enough to have paved the way to slowly reach his dreams. I was able to help him renew his passport, get a “cedula” for his application to New York, etc. It was painful seeing these things unfold because it meant the end is nearing. True enough, the end of the relationship came first.

I hope one day I get over this madness. I do hope someone will learn to love me for real and will stay for good. I don’t want to wander around searching. My heart is so tired. I just want to come home to someone who needs me and longs to be with me because I will love that person more. I just simply want someone by my side together loving each other and dreaming together. I hope I get the equation right this time.