Wrong Equation

It’s as if he just broke up with me yesterday. The pain of being left is still as intense as the time it happened and it’s more than one and half years has passed already. Last Sunday, I accidentally saw him at the mall. We almost bump into each other. I noticed that someone was looking at me from a distance and when I looked back, to my surprise, it was him. I pretended not to notice him and immediately looked at my cellphone. I didn’t attempt to look back and headed straight to the parking lot. I was rushing to go to UP Manila to meet my classmates to tour the Vietnamese delegates. From the time I left Megamall all the way to UP Manila, my eyes were flooded with tears. Flashbacks of the past immediately tormented me. Still I cannot come to terms with the fact that I was left despite the love I gave. I feel that my mission was not complete. I feel that I need to do more or maybe I failed to do something. I thought loving someone with everything you got would make them love you back. Now I’m thinking, maybe I misunderstood the equation, if I would love less maybe he might love me more. In any case, I did try to act to care less at one point so he won’t feel choked by my love, but it didn’t work. I endured the coldness he showed me for the remaining months of the relationship. I know something is wrong but I remained true to my promise to love him and be the last to say goodbye. I was bleeding inside but it didn’t stop me from loving him. I never owed him anything. I never even demanded any material things. Everything I have, my dreams, my plans were all second priority. I lost track of myself and who I am. It was all about him. I don’t even know what my favorite food, color or place is. All I care about is that he is doing okay. Seeing him is joy beyond compare. Irony of it is that he doesn’t show the same enthusiasm. I don’t know where I went wrong. Probably, I did love him too much. So what’s wrong with that? I guess the consequence is that I suffer until now. I cannot move on. I cannot love freely. I feel that I still have some tasks to do for him. I was interrupted, so to speak. Maybe I want to try a different equation of love just to make him love me back. I did everything by the book, but why did it still go wrong? I loved him beyond the words of the ballads played everyday, but still he wasn’t able to love me as much. I have never felt so unloved in my life. To add to it, he thinks that I deserved what happened. I was dropped like hot potato. In fact, he felt relieved that I was out of his life. He felt that I was a burden. How was I burden when I was the one making the effort to reach out to him.

Sometimes I wish I was dumb, clueless or even heartless. It’s twice as hard to cope up when you know what’s happening and you know what you’re supposed to do but still you took the wrong way. My friends are telling me to let go the first time when I noticed some changes in him, but still persisted to hang on and love him. I sacrificed a lot of my time for myself and with my friends just to be with him. Even if I was tired from a 24 hour duty, I still offered to drive him to work because seeing him keeps me alive. My savings were slowly draining from gas consumption and phone expenses, but still opted to give it away just for him. I don’t want to be a burden to him, hoping that this will make him want me more. Yet, he was drifting away gradually. I can’t forget the times that he doesn’t even want me to come inside his house and even his room. He doesn’t want to hear how my day was because it affects him as he still starts his day. He doesn’t talk while I am driving him to work. He doesn’t hold my hand like he did before. I never get a text message telling me to take care on my way home and that he loves me. He was drifting away so fast. Despite these, I suffered in silence. I held on to my promise to love him until he tells me he doesn’t want me anymore. It was so easy for him to walk out on me. It’s as if a contract has expired and he just moved on so quickly as if there were no emotions involved. I wish there was another party involved, but he claimed there was none. Looking back, it could have been easy accepting that fact than giving me no reason at all, that he simply fell out of love. But I did comply with the equation of love. Did I miss a decimal, a formula or variable? Isn’t the math of love exact as its real counterpart? I thought 1 plus 1 gives you 2? But in my case, the sum was zero.

Such a devastating love life I went through. Twice left behind! I guess there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should love less, don’t you think? But deep in my heart it is not me if I did so. I don’t even want to look for another. I’m still trapped in the past. I guess I want to love him still because I promised myself that I will help him fulfill his dreams of going abroad. It was cut short. I was hoping to bring him to the airport when that day comes even if it means the end of the relationship. I’m happy enough to have paved the way to slowly reach his dreams. I was able to help him renew his passport, get a “cedula” for his application to New York, etc. It was painful seeing these things unfold because it meant the end is nearing. True enough, the end of the relationship came first.

I hope one day I get over this madness. I do hope someone will learn to love me for real and will stay for good. I don’t want to wander around searching. My heart is so tired. I just want to come home to someone who needs me and longs to be with me because I will love that person more. I just simply want someone by my side together loving each other and dreaming together. I hope I get the equation right this time.