Perceptions

How do people perceive me?
Some say I am fun to be around with because of my sense of humor. Others would say that I am kind because I go the extra mile. When they ask favor from me, I would gladly go out of my way just to fulfill their requests. I even do favors for people that I am not really close with. Maybe I know how it feels like when somebody does something for me. When it comes to relationships, well, I give everything I got even if I know that it is not being reciprocated to the fullest. I love even when it hurts and will stay until the other decides to leave. In all these circumstances, despite the good things I do for other people, I am left alone. No one seems to stay. When they got what they want from me, they slip away, say their thank you’s and walk away.
Sad thing about this, some deliberately abuse you or make a fool of you. Partly it is my fault because I allow them to. They make a guy call you just to tease you forgetting who you are. They treat you as if you are a clown, someone who can be played around. It is as if you don’t have emotions and all that you can offer are jokes and foolishness. They don’t consider that I am a sensitive person capable of being hurt. Probably, I project a façade that is different from what I am feeling inside. I make fun of my failed relationship and how stupid I was then. Well, that gives them the impression that I am tough or probably someone who is easily trashed.
I still hurt inside. I try not to be too sensitive for fear that I might drive them away indirectly. I just take in whatever they throw at me. You just try to please people to gain their acceptance. But deep inside, you are hoping that someone out there would see beyond what they see outside. Unfortunately, that moment is yet to be seen. I don’t want to see myself as important and I maintain a low key. I just work behind the scenes and busy myself with what is important. At the end of the day, I only have myself to keep me company. I just fight the urge to ponder on the fact that the people I loved before are already in the arms of someone. What is more painful is the fact that I still long for them and dream that they would still wish to be with me. I know I need to fight that thought. I need to refocus my life and live like I used to before --- single, content and happy.
Sometimes, I am practically selling myself over the internet when I regularly edit my profiles and pictures in my Facebook or Friendster account, hoping that someone would “buy” me. It is truly pathetic, but I have no choice (or maybe I do). You just wish that among the multitudes on-line one would have the courage to say hi and show interest in you. I guess I am not really that bankable. I even envy my classmate that a guy took the courage and approached him. Now, they are together already. Sometimes I ask myself, maybe there is something wrong with me. Do I give them an unpleasant perception of me with the way I look, talk or behave? I guess so.
With regards my past relationships, they don’t seem to last. They leave me despite the love I gave them. I really wonder why. I loved by the book and even beyond that. I did things that are unthinkable and risked even my profession just to show them how much I love them. But still for reasons I don’t understand, their love fades at a time that my love for them is overflowing. So hard to uproot the love that has grown deep inside you and once uprooted, the chasm made in your heart is so deep it takes a long time to fill it up to heal. You try to avoid the places or things that remind you of them, but for some funny coincidences, you find large posters of their company as far as down south. Is this God’s humor? If it is, it is not funny. Tears just well up unconsciously and I can’t seem to breathe. I can’t fight the flashbacks of the past rushing my thoughts, beating me up over and over again. It indirectly affects my work. I seem to delay some things that can be done in a day because I want people’s attention.
Today, my barkada just got married. Her love life is an example of patient waiting. Her relationship started with a strong friendship. It was furthered strengthened by the hardships they’ve been together. The wedding ceremony is just an affirmation of what they feel towards each other. I am happy for them. I remind myself that they are the center of the day’s event. It is not about me. Being stubborn as we are, I ask myself, how many more weddings will I attend to and probably emcee? Will I ever be the groom? Will I see the day that someone will really commit to me and declare to everyone their love to me? Will I be busy making my own AVP for people to see and witness the times I shared with that special someone? Will I also cut the cake, sit on that special table, give our wedding gift to my parents and capping the day by saying thanks to those who attended the wedding?
Time is ticking. But I have to make the most of it and do more. I will just have to leave a legacy that will make the people remember me for my kindness. Whether or not I will be living the rest of my life unattached, I will still press on towards the goal set for me. If God would find me worthy to be loved by someone for a lifetime then so be it. I will have to follow God’s own timetable.
Regardless of how people treat me, perceive me and use me, it is still God’s own perception of me that matters. The journey is not smooth, but the obstacles make my legs strong and my heart enduring. But then again, the question remains …How do people perceive me?

No Air

Tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air?

If I should die before I wake, it's coz you took my breath away.
Losing you is like living in a world with no air.
I'm here alone didn't want to leave.
My heart won't move it's incomplete.
Wish there was a way that I could make you understand.

But how do you expect me to live alone with just me?
Coz my world revolves around you, it's so hard for me to breathe.
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.
Can't live, can't breathe with no air.
That's how I feel when I know you aint here.
It's no air. No air.
Got me out here in the water so deep.
Tell me how you're gonna breathe without me.
If you aint here, I just can't breathe. No air.

I walked. I ran. I jumped. I flew.
Right off the ground to flow to you.
There's no gravity to hold me down for real.

Somehow, I am still alive inside.
You took my breath but I survived.
I don't know how but I don't even care.

How to save a life?

When I saw the patient at the treatment room, I had a gut feeling things will go worse. I don't know what came to my mind that prompted me to decide immediately to transfer the patient to a nearby hospital. Although he seems to be doing okay, I saw signs that he already had a stroke. In 5 minutes we were able to bring the patient downstairs and hailed for a cab. Then suddenly he was gasping for air gradually turning blue. I started chest compressions until the taxi arrived a few seconds later. Inside the cab, I never stopped pumping his chest and praying to God to give him more time. He was alone when it happened. I don't even know his name, age or where he came from. I'm not even sure what medical disease he has or what triggered the situation. All I know is he was on a certain medication and he doesn't know what is happening to him. I continued resuscitating him but I knew that I lost him half-way through our transit. How I wish I could give him breath or even give him a piece of my life until we reach the hospital. I gave everything, but to no avail. It was a culminating event in my life as a physician. I felt powerless. He died in my arms, despite the efforts I gave. I didn't question God but asked Him what message He wants to tell me in this event. I felt so inadequate. Honestly, I don't see myself as a good doctor. I feel that I need to know more. I don't even deserve wearing a white blazer because I know it signifies a lot of responsibility. I don't even brag that I am a doctor when I am asked by acquaintances. I feel that I have a long way to go. Nowadays, physicians are no longer accorded with much respect and honor. They see us as some skilled personnel being paid by HMO's. We are paid for routine services that their insurance policies promised. Patient's now dictate on us what we are supposed to do. We are dragged into commercialism. Gone are the days that physicians are given utmost respect. All are into money making. In fact, they respect nurses and call center agents more than physicians. Sad to say, we earn so much less and we are still under our parents turf. It clouds our desire and calling to serve humanity, because our wallets are empty. We want to give more but our stomachs are grumbling. We give all we can to our patients even if we don't get anything in return. Most of the time, you don't even hear them say, "thank you".
I guess I encounter the same fate in my relationships. I give everything --- my time, my money --- but we don't get anything in return. Despite the sacrifices you give just to make them love you back, they seem as cold as death. You try your best to resuscitate the bond, but they gradually drift away. You still hang on and give whatever you got, hoping maybe they would wake up, but you see signs that it is hopeless. Crazy thing about us, even if we know they are dead, we still revive them. I share the same predicament, I still love them even if I know they are gone already. Sad thing about it, they forgot everything you did for them. They think you are dispensable.
It is my hope one day that someone would stay with me. That I will not worry about resuscitating the relationship or shall I say "save a life". I do hope I would come to rest my heart with that special person who will love me as I am despite of.

Wrong Equation

It’s as if he just broke up with me yesterday. The pain of being left is still as intense as the time it happened and it’s more than one and half years has passed already. Last Sunday, I accidentally saw him at the mall. We almost bump into each other. I noticed that someone was looking at me from a distance and when I looked back, to my surprise, it was him. I pretended not to notice him and immediately looked at my cellphone. I didn’t attempt to look back and headed straight to the parking lot. I was rushing to go to UP Manila to meet my classmates to tour the Vietnamese delegates. From the time I left Megamall all the way to UP Manila, my eyes were flooded with tears. Flashbacks of the past immediately tormented me. Still I cannot come to terms with the fact that I was left despite the love I gave. I feel that my mission was not complete. I feel that I need to do more or maybe I failed to do something. I thought loving someone with everything you got would make them love you back. Now I’m thinking, maybe I misunderstood the equation, if I would love less maybe he might love me more. In any case, I did try to act to care less at one point so he won’t feel choked by my love, but it didn’t work. I endured the coldness he showed me for the remaining months of the relationship. I know something is wrong but I remained true to my promise to love him and be the last to say goodbye. I was bleeding inside but it didn’t stop me from loving him. I never owed him anything. I never even demanded any material things. Everything I have, my dreams, my plans were all second priority. I lost track of myself and who I am. It was all about him. I don’t even know what my favorite food, color or place is. All I care about is that he is doing okay. Seeing him is joy beyond compare. Irony of it is that he doesn’t show the same enthusiasm. I don’t know where I went wrong. Probably, I did love him too much. So what’s wrong with that? I guess the consequence is that I suffer until now. I cannot move on. I cannot love freely. I feel that I still have some tasks to do for him. I was interrupted, so to speak. Maybe I want to try a different equation of love just to make him love me back. I did everything by the book, but why did it still go wrong? I loved him beyond the words of the ballads played everyday, but still he wasn’t able to love me as much. I have never felt so unloved in my life. To add to it, he thinks that I deserved what happened. I was dropped like hot potato. In fact, he felt relieved that I was out of his life. He felt that I was a burden. How was I burden when I was the one making the effort to reach out to him.

Sometimes I wish I was dumb, clueless or even heartless. It’s twice as hard to cope up when you know what’s happening and you know what you’re supposed to do but still you took the wrong way. My friends are telling me to let go the first time when I noticed some changes in him, but still persisted to hang on and love him. I sacrificed a lot of my time for myself and with my friends just to be with him. Even if I was tired from a 24 hour duty, I still offered to drive him to work because seeing him keeps me alive. My savings were slowly draining from gas consumption and phone expenses, but still opted to give it away just for him. I don’t want to be a burden to him, hoping that this will make him want me more. Yet, he was drifting away gradually. I can’t forget the times that he doesn’t even want me to come inside his house and even his room. He doesn’t want to hear how my day was because it affects him as he still starts his day. He doesn’t talk while I am driving him to work. He doesn’t hold my hand like he did before. I never get a text message telling me to take care on my way home and that he loves me. He was drifting away so fast. Despite these, I suffered in silence. I held on to my promise to love him until he tells me he doesn’t want me anymore. It was so easy for him to walk out on me. It’s as if a contract has expired and he just moved on so quickly as if there were no emotions involved. I wish there was another party involved, but he claimed there was none. Looking back, it could have been easy accepting that fact than giving me no reason at all, that he simply fell out of love. But I did comply with the equation of love. Did I miss a decimal, a formula or variable? Isn’t the math of love exact as its real counterpart? I thought 1 plus 1 gives you 2? But in my case, the sum was zero.

Such a devastating love life I went through. Twice left behind! I guess there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should love less, don’t you think? But deep in my heart it is not me if I did so. I don’t even want to look for another. I’m still trapped in the past. I guess I want to love him still because I promised myself that I will help him fulfill his dreams of going abroad. It was cut short. I was hoping to bring him to the airport when that day comes even if it means the end of the relationship. I’m happy enough to have paved the way to slowly reach his dreams. I was able to help him renew his passport, get a “cedula” for his application to New York, etc. It was painful seeing these things unfold because it meant the end is nearing. True enough, the end of the relationship came first.

I hope one day I get over this madness. I do hope someone will learn to love me for real and will stay for good. I don’t want to wander around searching. My heart is so tired. I just want to come home to someone who needs me and longs to be with me because I will love that person more. I just simply want someone by my side together loving each other and dreaming together. I hope I get the equation right this time.

Mending

It’s so hard to start over again. Picking up the broken pieces is equally difficult and entails a lot of determination. I guess I’m almost done putting the fragments together and gluing them in place. It’s still fragile. It needs a little more time to dry up as I still go and search for the missing pieces. I can stand tall now though a bit shaky. Although there are still moments when glimpses of the past distract my silence and a tear or two is shed, but I remain standing.

A new person has stepped in or maybe fate has allowed him to come at this time of healing. He is also in the process of putting back his broken self. His presence allowed me to redirect my focus on building a new friendship and leave the past behind. It is helping me open my eyes to the world that is before me, that someone out there is in need. I have to give out the love I have inside me that never died down and hopefully never will. This new encounter is totally different. It is a test of patience and trust in the literal sense. We are oceans apart, so to speak, and he visits the country twice in a year. My impatience of not seeing someone you care about is put to the test. It is imperative that I delay gratification for a fixed period of time --- six months, the least. Trusting is likewise a virtue to reckon with because all you have to hold on to are the words of reassurance the other is giving. I have no issue regarding fidelity because it’s never in my vocabulary. The sacrifice is great and the potential for being betrayed is high. Unfortunately, the anticipated pain will be immense with a league of its own.