Downcast Dad

"Why so downcast, O my soul? Put your hope in God" (Psalms)

Everyone was asked to share what has been disturbing our hearts lately or even for a long time. Some shared about health problems disturbing them, while others regarding relationships. My Dad captured all our attention when he added with a little hesitation about his unresolved bitterness with his mom. It was a surprise that he disclosed everything. I realized now where his short-temperedness towards his mom was coming from. His feelings of rejection and the absence of a motherly love caused his heart to be bitter & unforgiving. At a very young age, my Dad was separated from his mom and grew up with his relatives. His elder sister and younger brother were reared by their mother and was given all the perks a regular child should have. He worked his way to finish his studies. He even worked in a construction sales outlet carrying cement sacks & pipes. When he found a stable job, he moved away from his family in Bulacan and eventually stayed in Manila. He married my mom, had children and slowly climbed up the corporate ladder. His siblings still under the care of their mother. Years passed and the tide turned against his siblings. His brother went bankrupt and lost his job. His sister likewise is widowed and depends on the pension from their mother. My cousins suffered also to the point that they borrow money from us, especially from our dad. My dad gave without question and never expected anything in return. However, his heart still feels hurt and lonely whenever he thinks of his mom. He doesn't know how to love her and even where to start loving her. My grandmother never gave an explanation to him why such happened in the past. Now, my dad is asking for a resolution to that issue. He never can explain why tears fall whenever he sees his mom cry and why he burns in anger when he sees his mom hurt. I guess my dad is waiting for my grandmother to apologize for what she did. After all these were said, my dad burst into tears. I admire him for that. It was like an awakening for all of us that he going through that hearache for such a long time. I hope that soon they would resolve this issue.

Meredith

There is a new U.S. T.V.-series that my co-residents and some of our consultants are talking about --- Grey's Anatomy. It is a mock title from one of our textbooks during Med school, Gray's Anatomy. The show is about the life of a surgical intern (or first year resident, locally), including their personal and emotional issues. The whole series revolves around 5 interns, particularly the main actor, Meredith Grey, to which the series was aptly named after. I'm really impressed by the writers because of their accuracy regarding medical terminology and the “props” they used.
However, there is one character that I can relate to regarding his emotional struggle --- George O'Malley. He is one of the five interns who is portrayed as a dependable, intelligent, sometimes gullible guy. It's not that trait that I'm referring to, for the record. Anyway, he is in love with Meredith but doesn't have the courage to say so because of her strong personality and her involvement with their Neuro-surgeon. Meredith treats him as one of his close friends since he rents in her house along with another co-intern. He was even thought of as being gay because he lives with 2 female interns and share their bathroom. He has no girlfriend during the early part of the season which makes the suspicion more likely. However, he proved them wrong eventually. He seems to try to impress Meredith indirectly, but is fully aware that he can't compete with the consultant she is madly in-love with, who by the way is married to their OB-Gyn consultant. He is witness to her escapades, heartaches and struggles. Despite all these, he fully supports her and just like his other friends is willing to go the extra mile. George eventually had a girlfriend, an orthopedic surgeon, who really likes him. But still, he can't seem to get over Meredith and he would choose to prioritize her above her girlfriend. There was a time when Meredith was depressed and George was left comforting her, eventually transference occurred and they found themselves making love. While in bed, Meredith suddenly breaks out in tears for no reason. George was offended because he knew she was thinking of her lover. That incident severed their friendship. He had no choice but to pack his bags and leave Meredith’s house. The third season of this T.V. series will hopefully resolve this issue.
Being a George O’Malley is somewhat pathetic. You have so much talent and knowledge to give, but are afraid to share it because of the stereotype that people around have attributed to you. You are even capable of loving, maybe more passionate, but fear rejection and losing an important friend. What makes the situation complicated is that the person you are attracted to (Meredith) is in-love with another who is far better. Oh, the irony of love life. Why is it that for some reason we fall in love with another who is not interested in us? There are a lot of times that even if we have invested our time with that special someone, still we don’t get their approval, considering the fact that we have been there for them during times when she is at her lowest. Just so not to lose them out of our sight, we hide our true feelings and the “George” in us comes out, doing silly things to help please that person and conceal our emotions. However, some friends will push us to take the risk and confront the issue. They see a different outcome from what you realistically imagine. Sometimes you are tempted to really put the issue to a close. But the insecurity chokes you and finds yourself walking back. In the end, you are left on the sidelines watching your Meredith in the company of another. Then, there’s a nagging voice telling you, “If only…”
All of us have “Meredith’s” in our lives. We have played the role of George once, twice or maybe right now. It may sound a bit sad playing his role, but the good thing is, like any other T.V. series, there’s always another season to look forward to. I hope my next season will be to my favor.

Proper Timing

"1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."
(Eccesiastes 3)

A cliche passage to most of us, yet still holds meaning & power in certain issues of our lives.
In one of my duties in the hospital, a colleague of mine heard me complaining that our duty was "toxic" (in lay-man's term: busy) and getting worse by the minute. She told me that all things has an end to it. Our duty will eventually end after 24 hours and we can finally hit the bed to rest. There is wisdom to what she said and that was the inspiration I got when I reread this passage of scripture. However, its application does not end there, it also addressed personal issues in my life. It reminded me that its probably time for me to "mend". I have had so many heartbreaks in the past and I feel so scattered. I had a closure with a person in my recent past, but it dawned on me that I need to have a resolution within myself. A "time to gather" has to commence for a genuine healing to take place. We have a choice whether we remain in a certain "time" or move on with God's time.

Best Man

"Best Man?" Such a privilege, but it's a case-to-case basis. I had mixed emotions when my Kuya Jon told me that I will be his Best Man on his wedding this December. I felt being the odd-man in the family, now that I'm the only "single" sibling. Looking back, I thought my brother will be the last one to get married. I was conceited enough before to think so. He is very subtle with regards courtship. I never really had a training on such ritual. Funny thing though, I'm very good at pushing guys into courting another girl and giving advice. Unfortunately, I'm a total loser at it. I guess that explains why I'm the only bachelor in the family now. It's much of a choice really (as if) and probably a result of wrong choices I made early in life.
Being the Best Man means a lot more than performing certain duties during the ceremony. It comes with a responsibility of living out that title. I was expecting that my brother would choose some of his churchmate or co-worker, but alas, poor me, I had no choice or the other way around. I guess they chose me because I will host the reception, to cut their budget, and be a stand up comedian at the same time. But regardless of their reason, I'm very happy and honored to be able to play an important role in their lives. Next question is, will I find myself asking my brother to be the bestman in my wedding also?

The Passion that was Brokeback

Ennis del Mar is a guy who embodies the traditional. Very restrained in his emotions and unexpressive. This is partly because he was conditioned (traumatized) from his childhood that a lifestyle beyond the norm is scorned at and even punished. He once experienced a life of plenty until his parents died and left them only $24 on a coffee can. He was taken cared of by his brother & sister. Her sister married a rough neck and took off. He and his brother found job on some ranch and later on got married. Ennis was then left alone and jumps from one casual job to another & now found himself working on Brokeback Mountain for a summer job. He is living within his means and works double time to feed himself. Being independent most of his life, he learned how to be domesticated. He denies himself of simple pleasures to prioritize what is essential.
Jack Twist has a different struggle to contend with. He has his parents, but his father is very secretive, unsupportive and doesn’t share his thoughts. His dad never see him ride his favorite sport --- rodeo. I guess it was his way of getting attention from his dad. He is not as worried regarding financial matters and knows how to get extra income by doing rodeo. His personality is totally different from Ennis. He is outspoken, endearing & funny. Has a sense of initiative and brave enough to express his emotions. He has no negative stigma attached to a queer relationship.
Brokeback mountain served as a venue for these two unique individuals to discover a relationship that is beyond the norm. They never said “I love you” to each other. Their actuations was louder than the words itself. Love was a force that they can’t handle. It was like a raging flood hitting them right infront of their face. They tried to deny it but to no avail. Their unspoken emotions haunts them every single day of their lives even if they were miles apart. It was the guiding force that makes their existence more exciting & worth living.
Ennis has no clear plans, but is well aware that there is a possibility. He just doesn’t want Jack to give up the comfortable life he is in right now. Probably, Ennis is afraid that Jack might end up like him, broke & broken. Amidst all these, Jack remained optimistic and never gave up on that dream that they will one day live together and be “like this always”. He is just waiting for Ennis to give the go signal. Unfortunately, Ennis is not aware that Jack had already laid the plans and he just dismissed it as a wishful thinking. They thought that meeting up on the mountain every now & then is enough, until finally after almost 20 years on one of their trips, their feelings for each other welled-up. Jack was missing Ennis so much that twice or thrice a year of meeting is not just enough. Ennis is too much for him to handle. He wants their relationship to transcend what they had in Brokeback and move on with what they truly feel for each other. Ennis likewise admitted that he is going nowhere in his life because of Jack. A passionate moment of disclosure before he lost Jack in a tragic accident. It was a painful thought that Ennis was the last to know about this event. Now he was left with the shirt & jacket, stained with blood, that they wore when they were in Brokeback more two decades ago. It remained a testament of their unspoken, yet undying love for each other. Just like Ennis said, “Jack, I swear…”
This story of friendship struck me to the core. The first embrace when they met after four years was for me an explosion of pure love & passion. Two mature men, each had a life of their own, had another life living in their minds that was long overdue for fulfillment. As I see my previous relationships, no one has come close to what the movie portrayed. It may seem ideal but it is possible. This has raised the bar on how I or everyone should view friendships or relationships. Expressing your true feelings and taking the risk is what people lack. We deny each other the truth that the other must hear and finding ourselves hurt in the end. So many lessons learned, I hope we all come to realize it. This has made an impact on me and allowed me to be more careful on my emotions. The passion in friendship & love is what we need to give life into it.

Closure

I turned a year older yesterday. Was it good news or bad news? Depends. My cellphone was slowly flooded by text messages greeting me, from the wee hours in the morning until late last night. I have to admit, I was kinda wishful thinking that I get a greeting from him. Fate was probably good to me, that around 2PM, I got an SMS from an unregistered number - "Hi chris. Happy birthday po. May God bless u always -- 'his name'". My face lighted up. The final closure. It doesn't really matter whether he was still thinking of me. I do, too. But now I realized that I should not resent what happened to us. I was directing my anger to him and what he did all this time, when in fact, I was really angry at myself for allowing such event to come to pass. It is true that our greatest enemy is ourselves. From day one, I had the choice to say no and spare myself of the pain and hurt that stemmed from the break-up. I forced myself to make it happen without seeing the repercusions. I have built a fantasy world to conform to what I thought was a trend. The pain was unbelievable at first. Thank God I came back to my senses early.

I'd like you to meet...

Sam is our very first niece. She is truly a bundle of joy when she was added to our family. However, the announcement of her arrival brought both happiness and disappointment. Trust was broken. Everyone felt betrayed, especially me. I was shattered to pieces. I felt that my ties with my sister was slowly melting away. We drifted apart, or rather I chose to shut her off my life.
Time eventually healed the hurt I was feeling. Sam's presence hastened the process. Early last year, I found myself laughing with my sister just like the way we were before. But the healing was not really complete. Sam's dad is out of the picture. He was truly the object of my resentment. From the time that we had a confrontation when they told us the news about Sam, our paths never crossed. We tried to avoid each other, because both of us reminds us of the hurt we caused each other. Every family member makes a conscious effort so that we won't bump into each other. There came a point that my sister disclosed to me that her husband doesn't want me to step in their home.
The healing process was long but there are signs of progress. We passed a lot of opportuities to finally meet and build bridges. Last Christmas, it was nothing special but at the back of my mind, if ever he drops by, I will try to make the first move. Unfortunately, he didn' came.
On New Year's eve, the whole family had lunch at my sister's house before heading back to Laguna to welcome the New Year --- for the sake of family tradition. My parents & brother went ahead and I was left to drive my sister & Sam. Little did I know that they intentionally left me because Sam's dad will be coming over to have dinner with them before we head off to Laguna. To make the long story short, he came but went upstairs to the master's bedroom. I was at the dirty kitchen finishing the barbeque. When dinner time came, Sam was bugging me to join her on the table and meet her dad. It was inevitable. With Sam dragging me to the dinner table, she called to her dad then we found ourselves shaking hands, "Papa, I'd like you to meet tito Tope..." The rest is history.