Vindicated

Five months? Ganun na ba katagal? I really don't believe it myself, but it is. I severed all types of connection with him, from his cellphone number, friendster account and even his friends. I never made attempts of getting in touch with him in anyway because there's no point in doing so. From that fateful day last June, I get text messages from him saying hello every now and then. The most recent was last month when he called me up. To my surprise, because his number is not registered on my phone anymore, it was him. He was asking how I am. I feel vindicated. I really don't know what his purpose is, but now I realized that he is not worth coming back to.
Honestly, there are times when I'm plagued with the thought of being with someone special again. Sometimes, my very young niece notices that I need "to find someone to love." Maybe she is right, but not now or anytime in the near future. Lovelife seems to repel me. All the people that I loved in the past, just didn't see me "right" for them. I guess my friend was right, when she said that my recent relationship was a whirlwind romance. I grabbed the opportunity of being loved, even when that person hasn't passed the screening procedure. Now, I'm left afraid and traumatized. Actually, I'm a bit curious as to who he will replace me with. I'm very much tempted to compare myself and the one he has now. What is it in me that makes me unpopular in the romance scene? Didn't I play by the rules? Did I overdo certain tasks? Am I unlovable? I always end up by myself and they with someone else. I really don't know where to put my heart. It seeks to love someone else and nurture a lasting relationship. I tried to look for it, but seems to hide from me. I tried to wait instead, it did came but only for a while. What's next? I'm just happy to know that I never cheated anyone and that I have loved to the fullest. Right now, I am content to know that I'm vindicated, as evidenced by the attempts made by my previous relationship to get in touch with me. I pity him. He just lost a great treasure.
I'm still hoping that that "someone" will come or probably right in front of my nose already. While waiting, my task right now is to be the "right"person and make efforts to improve myself. Thanks for the vindication.

Month-sary

Time flies. It has been a month since the time I rose up from the rubble of my emotional disaster. I found myself breaking away from the habit I developed --- expecting a text message daily, going out with him, and spending the night together. I have gone back to the mainstream of life. Emotions are withering away like a melting ice. A gap that was left is almost completely repaired and filled in with essential matters. Now I am fully equipped to face a similar and much more difficult issue. It gave me tools to help others confronted with a similar situation. Ironically, the friend who helped me gain back my self-image and identity after my pathetic depression, is in the same predicament as I did before. It’s funny that I’m just returning the favor. I can’t help but see myself in her shoes during my emotional turmoil. Now, I’m giving her advice on the same thing that she told me to do to overcome such madness. In fairness, her situation is much more maturely dealt with and has a proper closure. An act of sacrifice, by letting go of the other, for him to finally give out his time and attention to whom it is rightfully due. Such a wonderful feeling that finally I saw my friend rise up and celebrate her own month-sary.

Closing a cycle by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

I don't love you anymore

Your eyes no longer stars in the dark
Your smile now fails to set off in me a spark
Did these palm lines ever mean anything?
These days my world is missing something

I close my eyes but the dream doesn’t return
This once meaningful sadness
Now a mere blank wall
I write these lines to bring that something back
I want so much to fall

But the feeling’s gone
Through the front door
Of this heart of mine
The feeling’s gone
Unlike before
I don’t love you anymore

The sun no longer a melting butter sky
Gray clouds no longer a girl about to cry
I write these lines to bring that something back
I want so much to fall

(Isha)

How do you heal a broken heart?

I can’t believe what I just heard
Could it be true?
Are you the girl I thought I knew
The one who promised me her love
Where did it go?
Does anybody ever know

How do you heal a broken heart
That feels like it will never beat this much again
I just can’t let go
How do you heal a broken heart
That feels like it will never love this much again
Tonight, I’ll hold what could be right
Tomorrow I’ll pretend to let you go
And were you ever what you seemed
Or was I a fool who fell in love
With his own dream
And now you say you want to leave
Start a new life today
Those words I thought you’d never say

Tonight I’ll hold what could be right
Tomorrow I’ll pretend to
Wake and put it all behind me
And find that I have finally found
A new life
In my soul
And find that I know how to let you go

Independence day

The Philippines lost its identity when it was colonized by stronger nations. She was helpless and allowed the invaders to rule over her to the point of modifying her culture and way of life. It was not all tragic and ruthless, but it made her adapt and adjust to the coming changes ahead. The tyranny that wrought her breeds in a resilient and mature character. She played along with it, sometimes forgetting who she really was. She was promised a better life, but later on brought in devastation. Her heart was ready to embrace the new, however, their commitments were half-meant. On the day of June 12, more than a century ago, she woke up to her senses and finally found herself and true identity. She is not Spanish, American or Japanese, but a Filipino. Her day of Independence allowed her to rise up and show the world her strength.

Thank God, I did not have to endure centuries of bondage from the enemy, but had a taste of it for a little over 2 months. I willingly gave up my identity when I entered an out-of-the-norm relationship. My life conformed to suit its needs and demands. Initially, it was just performing certain tasks, but later on it involved emotions to the deepest level. I was becoming less of what I was before. I allowed my emotions to tie me down to my partner and got blinded by the affection he showed me. I was floating on air. Without warning, he chose to cut the ties. My face hit rock bottom, including my heart. The world we created is starting to disappear and I don’t know where to go. I tried to give it another try but he is walking farther away. I was broken. Sleepless nights followed that plagued me with thoughts of worthlessness almost stealing my sanity. Then on the day of Independence, a friend who was beside me all the time picked me up from the rubble and reminded me of who I am. A burst of light followed, then the chains that tied me down was broken and melted on the ground. I saw the real world around me and I realized what I was missing. A time spent with family, friends and other important matters were taken granted by me because of the bondage I got in. Now, I’m standing tall and ready to move ahead. It was my identity in Christ and the society I am in that made me rise up. Never again will I allow myself to be stepped on by anybody lesser than me. I will cherish this independence and will fight for it.

Happy Independence Day to all of us.

Back to School

When I graduated from singleness, my spiritual life went on a vacation that lasted for the duration of the summer holidays. It really wandered far & beyond what was expected, and even dared to cross the border. Soon it got lost and lived in a world created by my own fantasy. We were basking in the pleasure that it gives, until one was no longer satisfied leaving me devastated to the point of going insane. My head was spinning around in disbelief. My partner in that fantasy left me with a baggage that was too heavy to carry. I struggled to bring him back and continue what we’ve started, but he wants to try it with another one. He wants to create a world of his own without me. My heart was shattered trying to make sense of the promises he once told me. I was in oblivion, helpless and groping for air. I’m finding my way back but my vacation brought me so far that I couldn’t find my way home. I forgot who I was and losing my identity. Suddenly someone reminded me of who I am and what I am here for. Little did I realize that I need to go back to school already. I have had a vacation that went haywire and I will not allow it to happen again. Another school year of life to tackle, with a new identity and much higher learning.

Singled

It was a little over 2 months that I had been in a special kind of relationship. But it seems like it was longer than that. Every single day spent was really significant. I made sure that I maximize the moments with him because time is of the essence. Such kind of relationship either dies a natural death or cut short by unexpected or inevitable circumstances. Unfortunately, the latter happened to us and was brought about by unearthed issues, which was not there yet. A period of silence followed which led the other to let go. It was a painful sacrifice, probably for both of us, but such an event left me “singled”.

I remember the day when he took me in unconditionally. I impacted his life dramatically without me lifting a finger at him. My words just did the walking. His intentions were pure and his love was something that anybody would fight about. I feel so blessed that he ended my search at an unexpected time. The days that followed will always be remembered with a smile that I will carry through my lifetime. I guess the love that I experienced from him will never be surmounted by anybody, particularly in this kind of relationship. It just saddens me to hear the painful truth that he has an issue to deal with and that is regarding his discontentment. He had 7 relationships before me. All were short-lived. When I came, both of us were hoping to finally make it work and break the bondage he is in. We were wrong. His fear of being left alone in the future overcame him. The need to look for someone who will guarantee him security for his lifetime made his feelings of discontent come back. Now, I was left a victim. Shattered but remains whole. He was looking for someone stronger than him, who will give him more emotional support. He needs to be taken care of. Unfortunately, he felt I was not giving it to him. It really hurts to know that the other one is feeling that way, when all the while you were feeling most secure in his arms. I have never demanded or asked from him anything other than his presence. His mere touch soothes my soul. His embrace affirms me as a person. It hurts me to think that all this time he wasn’t feeling the same.

Being singled is much more painful than being single all through out. You need to learn to let go when the other one needs to go on without you. I will keep my promise to myself that he will be my first and last. The missing piece that once completed me will be looking for another to fit his. A large gap is left in my heart and will keep it like that to remind me that once there was somebody who filled that space.

(printed with permission)

Open Sea

Recently, they conquered the highest peak in the Philippines. They are likewise seasoned divers that are well trained and equipped. Every adventure they undertake is carefully planned, with all the necessary gadgets in place. They know the mountain and sea, and show utmost respect to it. In one of their trips, a simple boat ride to go over Boracay Island became what almost became their last ride on earth.

Lea, along with her mountaineer & diver friends, planned to take the cheapest route to Boracay. They set sail on a very small boat that can only carry around 5 people without any baggage. No life vest. Around 6 people rode the “bangca” with their backpacks from their recent mountain trek. They took the ride with little reservation; anyway, it’s only a few hours trip. Little did they know that what is about to take place will mean life & death decisions for each and every passenger.

Several minutes passed and they were off shore. The sea was relatively calm. It was a total adventure. They challenged the vessel & the sea. Suddenly, a wave hit the side of their boat. Few moments later, they were swimming in open sea and the boat they were in was capsized. Everyone was panic-stricken. A head count was done. They all swam back to the overturned vessel and realized the magnitude of the problem. They are now in the middle of nowhere. No visible shoreline. With the sun high up in the morning, there’s no telling north from south. Minutes became hours and still no help was seen. A glimpse of hope came when a large vessel passed by, but despite their shouts of help, they were left unnoticed. However, out of nowhere, a fisherman on his small bangca noticed them from the horizon. His curiosity led him to where they are and to his surprise, a group of helpless individuals were on an overturned boat. A quick decision as to who will go first was made. Self-sacrifice was the name of the game. No guarantees of return or help. Lea chose to stay behind with 3 others.

Their three other companions rode the Good Samaritan’s boat, which is the same size as their own. An attempt to pull their boat was made, put the rope snapped out. It was a futile task. They decided that he would get some help as soon as they reach shore. Little did they know that as they were on their way back they almost overturned. But fortunately, they were able to get help. While Lea and the rest of her companions stayed on the sea, flashbacks of memories of loved ones came to mind. They waited for more than 7 grueling hours without any assurance. Thank God she was able to tell us this life-changing tale.

I guess, my friend Lea is lucky she was able to survive it. Right now, I’m still in open sea. I have been here not only for 7 hours, but several weeks and probably counting. I know the rules and even say it by heart. Probably my self-confidence pushed me to go against it and hopefully get out of it alive. Problem is, I know which direction to take and the shoreline is very much visible, but I chose to stay afloat and row a little bit further. There are times that I change my course and row back to where I came from, but the current is too strong. Good thing the island I set-off is still on sight. I know that this boat ride of mine will not last long, because Someone remains stubborn of His love for me He won’t let go. I may be in the open sea of selfishness, but the boat I’m in is anchored in the shore of His love. I’m hopeful to live and tell the tale.

Graduation Day

Truly it’s a nice feeling & experience when you express love to another individual. It’s a lot more wonderful when that love is being paid back twice as much. Everyday is much different than yesterday. The world around you seems to have a brighter color. A burden has been lifted off your shoulder. It’s such a nice thing to be attached to someone, an attachment beyond friendship. There’s a sense of accountability and sort of ownership. You always want to be updated of the other’s whereabouts, and both of you send “sweet-nothing’s” every now & then. Pimples miraculously disappear. Suddenly, people notice a certain glow in your face. There’s an extra jolt of energy left despite a very tiresome day because you will be meeting that special person after work. You plan ahead but with your partner in mind. I guess I have graduated from singleness.
“Love moves in mysterious ways.” The least likely person seems to be the one really interested in you. We tend to look so far beyond, when in fact the one that is for us is sitting right under our nose. When that person steps out in the open, we are caught off guard and we are unprepared to give a reply. I was emotionally tired and in the brink of giving up. I was hoping for something to develop from another friendship, but when this situation came to me, I thought long and hard because an opportunity to love is right in front of me. It was a tough decision. When it was made final, a gush of love, so intense, it washed off the hurts and pains I have been carrying deep inside of me. Knowing that you already made a connection to another individual allows you to forgive the people in the past and move on with head held high because you have someone beside you to tread this new journey of life.

Ikaw Nga

Heto na naman
Nag-iisip, minsan nagtataka
Nasa ‘kin ang lahat bakit nangungulila, oh
At nang Makita ka
Ibang sigla aking nadarama
Pag-ibig nga ba ito ako’y nangangamba, oh

Nais kong ipadama sa iyo
Sana’y dinggin mo ang lihim ng pusong ito
Kahit na tayo’y magkaibang mundo, wohh…

Ikaw nga ang siyang hanap-hanap
Kay tagal na ako’y nangarap
Lumuluhod, nakikiusap
Ako ay mahalin mo, sinta
Ikaw nga ang siyang magbabago
Sa akin, sa aking buhay
Handang iwanan ang lahat
Upang makapiling ka, sinta, ohh…

Nang makilala ka
Ibang saya aking nadarama
Alam kong pag-ibig ito, anong ligaya

Nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo
Sana’y pagbigyan, dinggin ang puso kong ito
Kahit na tayo’y magkaibang mundo wohh…

Ikaw nga ang siyang hanap-hanap
Kay tagal na ako’y nangarap
Lumuluhod, nakikiusap
Ako ay mahalin mo, sinta
Ikaw nga ang siyang magbabago
Sa akin, sa aking buhay
Handang iwanan ang lahat
Para lang sa iyo, sinta
Upang makapiling ka, sinta

(by: Jay Durias)

Summit

A friend of mine recently conquered Mt. Apo. If I remember right, it took them three days before reaching the summit. During the trek, they made several camping stops to gather strength for the long climb ahead. They encountered rivers, stony paths and dark lush greens. It was an ordeal. What’s amazing is that despite the physical drain, they forged to move on. It was around 5 AM that I got a phone call from my friend telling me that they reached the top. The pictures she took showed a spectacular view. What’s interesting is that they forgot all the exhaustion and they were basking in victory they attained.

The mountain that I’m at seems to take a lifetime to climb. I have tread stony paths much like what my friend had. During the start of my climb, I was by myself and was traveling around in circles. As the days passed by, I realized that there are trail marks to guide me during the climb. I was ignoring them before and now they are making sense to me. Now, I can see the view below, but when I look up, the summit seems to be far away. The second stretch of my climb was a relative success. I was seeing progress. It was the time when I hibernated from the “gimik” scene and voluntarily cut ties with people who brought me there in the first place. The best thing about this stage is I have “buddies” who constantly showed the way.

I was getting the hang of things and decided to travel alone. I got lost and the altitude was decreasing. I think I’m close to sea level again. To my surprise, I saw my gimik buds whom I left at the foot of the mountain. They were camping and enjoying themselves. They chose to stay behind and dare not to move on. I was feeling tired and decided to join them. However, I encountered a lot of disappointments and heartaches. I was in the brink of quitting. I forgot the summit. I regained my strength and saw that I have a mountain to climb. Now, I’m half-way up again. I left some baggage and the trek is a little bit lighter now. The climb is also an emotional pruning process. There were a lot of facts to accept and to reconsider. I was looking for affirmation. I got a lot of it from people down below, but most of it were lies and have underlying agenda. But the surprise of all is that even people close to you don’t even consider you a potential partner. Ironically, people that were set-up with me will even take the risk to have a relationship with me and magnify qualities I have to make me look good to them. It does hurt when a friend whom you consider have the qualities you’re looking for in a mate indirectly rejects you and does not see a potential in you. I can’t blame them because what I show them is the unattractive side of me. How I wish someone will break the walls I created and see what’s really inside of me. I guess that person is too much perfect for me and seeks someone who is as flawless. The journey is getting tougher, but I need to move up.
I guess I have to redirect this love & passion I so long to share to that special someone to the patients I see everyday. I have been doing it ever since anyway. I guess their “thank you’s” are enough to last me for the day. Good thing the “indirect rejections” came in this early before I start to build emotional attachments again. History does repeat itself. Another baggage to leave behind.

Chris, look at the summit!

"Pagbabalik-loob"

What a way to start this month, “Pagbabalik-loob”, the title of the message this morning. After a depressing Valentine’s month, the only way to go back to reality is to re-evaluate and revisit oneself. I became so much preoccupied with non-sense thoughts about another individual, almost to the point of snapping out of reality. There were wasted nights devoted to thinking of what the other is doing and waiting for a text message until the wee hours of the morning. Energies that were supposed to be spent on worthwhile things were diverted to activities of no spiritual or emotional value. I was trying to make sense of it all, until I heard this message in this morning’s service.

A return to one’s self means restoring broken relations, both emotional & spiritual. Valuing old friendships & family, but above all, reconnecting to God. Once you realize that God is the only source of wholeness in life, we will never seek anything else to satisfy our desires. Single, singled or married, it doesn’t matter anymore as long as you exist to please the Lord and live a life according to His will. A genuine change of heart will likewise result in a change of life. The outpouring of the heart will direct you to do things only to bring glory to God, creative ways that will be a blessing to others. I see this “pagbabalik-loob” as a spectrum that will eventually lead to being a disciple of Christ witnessing to others through our lifestyle and not only with words. This is such a timely message now that we are ushering in the Lenten season, a time of reflection. I do hope we continue to practice on a daily basis this “pagbabalik-loob” not only this Lent but through our lifetime. It is only through this virtue that one can experience “wholeness’ & “fullness” of life.

“The unexamined life is a life that is not worth living.” - Plato

Moving on

Finally, February is over and done with. It was a very emotion-packed month. There were a lot of “almost” encounters, which ended in disappointments & frustrations. Looking back, it was a learning experience. I thought it was going to be a down-slope condition for my over-all persona, but rather it was a time of purging, molding me to become a better (not bitter) person. Now, I can say that I have no regrets with my decisions. I became honest & true. I did not leave anyone hanging in limbo. I made people aware of where I’m in. I realized what it feels like not being replied to and the importance of letting the other party know that you acknowledge their messages. I discovered it the hard way. I’m truly moving on. There are a lot of things to be thankful for and many people to appreciate. I almost wasted my time on something that is not worthwhile. I guess my real friends deserve all my attention. In the long run, they are the ones that I can truly count on aside from my family. I know someday I may meet the right match for me, but for now, I should be the right person. Time is not running out. Each day is a new experience. Life is how you live it. Live out your own dream and not the dreams of others. I have a unique journey in life. I better tread that path set forth for me and not allow others to bump me off. See you around…

The Distance

by: Evan Lowenstein

The sky has lost its color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away

I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you'll be back
You're coming back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take a breath without saying your name
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall
when all the dust has settled down

But I can't take the distance

I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you are close to me
But it aint close enough
Not nearly close enough

Sober 2

I consulted another friend about what had happened with Cypress. She gave a different insight to the situation. Firstly, I have no reason at all to get mad, because there's no reason to start with. The period of non-communication could mean a lot of things. I supressed the person to say what he wants to say, whether it is good or bad. Now, I'm left wondering what. I sought another opinion, and the bottomline is I should call Cypress to finalize it. I ate my pride and texted last night:

"I know you're surprised that I texted. My conscience is bothering me. Why can't you say what you want to tell me through text? I can take anything, good or bad."

Several minutes passed. No reply. Then I did the unthinkable. I called, twice. The phone was ringing until it went busy. It dawned on me that the answer is happening right in front of me. No reply. Not interested. I was happy & at the same time sad. Happy, that all these came to an end, with no hurting words said. Sad, because a budding friendship died a relatively uneventful end. I called my "match-maker" friend and updated him of what happened. He disclosed to me a recent conversation with Cypress and he was told that he felt differently towards me. My friend did not fully emphasized that statement to me, because he was hopeful since Cypress was still texting me after that. A painful truth. My emotions were toyed around. I saw the signs, but ignored it. I was stupid, but now...

"I see the light, oh what a light, and I am sober. All that you served to me, no longer will I drink it in. I took the time to think it over. I see the you, I never knew. Now it's finally sinking in. I am sober..."

I guess I should buy Jennifer Paige's album :-) It's all clear to me now. I can say, I'M SOBER! A friend of mine shared...

"...pain always comes with loving. One cannot exist without the other. But that being said - the heart was made to overcome hurt and love over & over again. Never be afraid of loving again just because of an unfavorable experience...'We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience make us feel complete, alive, where every sense is heightened & every emotion is magnified... It may only last a moment, an hour or an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."

It's an experience to remember. I learned the hard way. No regrets. Time to move on.

Sober

"Girl meets boy and girl goes crazy, Boy backs away, she gets her heart broken. No words are spoken. Boy comes back and acts as if everything is cool. Soon she's got him back upon a pedestal. She only sees what she wants to see. Love is blind, love is so misleading"

And so goes, Jennifer Paige's song on my CD player. How it vividly resembles what has happened (or still is?) to me.
Cypress expressed his desire to talk to me personally. I was planning to give him a dose of his own medicine --- silence for a week. The following day, I can't help but to just end it & face the situation head on. I texted him and told him that six days of his silence said alot, and that there's no reason to talk. I went on to tell him that he has the right to choose his friends and unfortunately, I didn't fall into that category. I wished him to find what he is looking for. Quite a heavy statement. A sudden feeling of freedom & release overcame me. A heavy baggage was lifted.

Breaking the Silence

Six days, to be exact, since I last heard from Cypress. No explanations, no alibis, no excuses. . . nothing. I was left in limbo thinking what went wrong. I'm fully aware that I did not do anything wrong or said anything bad. I was worried sick thinking of reasons why such silence. My heart was heavy & I have never felt such burden in my life for such a long time. I was getting anxious at this person who is not even my relative. He doesn't even qualify as friend, strictly speaking. But the fact of the matter is, I'm feeling this "something" for him. Then, at 11:53 PM of February 20, which was about 2 hours ago, I got a text message from him.

"Hi wanna talk 2 you personally txt me kung kailan ka pwede any weekdays"

I was just out of a badminton game with my cousins when I read this message. Actually, I obliged myself to join to relieve the stress I'm feeling. As if a heavy weight was lifted off my chest. A feeling of freedom from seemingly endless nights thinking of reasons why he was quiet. This relatively short message meant a thousand words to me and putting an end to all my anxiety. With it, a flood of emotions spilled out from my heart, and here's what I want to tell him:

If you're not sure with your feelings & not really settled with the life you want to take, then don't pursue it. But if you decide to half-heartedly go through it, please don't play around with people's emotions. I remained single for the longest time. I turned down every invitation that would mean meeting other people. I've walked away from certain friendships that may lead me to meeting "interested" people. In short, I'm very much resolved with my present situation that I'm a hopeless case. Then out-of-the-blue you came. I accepted you with no questions asked. You showed interest in the friendship. I did my share in cultivating it. With every text you sent, I made sure you get a reply. I treasured every single story you told me about your family, work & relationships. I maximized the time I spent with you, even going great lengths to meet you up-north. I made sure that you wont be inconvenienced. I was beginning to make small sacrifices, hoping you would see the signs. Then you got me worried sick, almost crazy, wondering why you didn't send any messages for 2 consecutive days. You later told me that you were so busy at work. I believed that. Then it happened again, but you were ready for another explanation. I accepted every single rationalization with full trust. However, what happened next was much worse --- almost a week of silence. No nothing. You didn't lift a finger to tell me what you were upto. I did not oblige you. But the habit that was formed during the past month is really hard to break. And now, you send me a message to talk you. I guess we have nothing to talk about. You have nothing to explain. I'm not anybody in your life anyway, and it was your decision to put me aside. I cannot force you to like me. The bottomline is, you should have told me right from the start that it's not going to work out. Well, keep your explanations to yourself. I need to move on.

Stubborn

It's really funny that we human beings like doing what we're not supposed to do. God has given us signposts along the way and yet we ignore them. We are aware that such warnings are meant to protect us, but still choose that path. We think that it is best for us based on our own finite knowledge. But despite our mischievousness, God remains stubborn in His love for us.

Five years ago, I met a guy over the internet which later on developed into an intimate relationship. During the course of our friendship, he told me that he made a commitment to a guy that was courting for a few months. At this time, I haven't told him my real feelings. I was devastated by the news. I didn't show him I was affected, but instead congratulated him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was talking to him over the phone. The days following that revelation made our friendship more intimate despite what happened. I was so in-love with him that I'm willing to be the third party. A few days later, I came to my senses and decided that I'm the loser in this case. I told him that I need to step out of the relationship because I don't want to give him the hard time choosing who to spend his time with. He doesn't want to approve. I firmly stood by my decision. It was difficult. I cried about it for a month until I was totally free. Looking back, Someone was being stubborn all throughout this ordeal. He allowed certain situations in order to protect me from committing to a guy who is a two-timer. Well, bottomline is, He doesn't want me to enter that kind of relationship either.

Once again, after that heartbreak, I'm messing around with my feelings as if nothing happened in the past. This time all sorts of signposts telling me this is not "it" are so visible that I ignored them to the last. Now, I'm experiencing the consequences --- mild heartache. He remained stubborn. He keeps on protecting me, not only from outside forces, but from myself. He allows me to run away from Him, but keeps an eye on me wherever I go. And when I fall, He picks me up and embraces me tight. Several times I resisted His embrace and ran away. Sometimes I felt fighting His embrace, then He gently lets go, only to find myself running back to Him. I don't know when I'm going to run away again, but I do hope this will be the last. I'm getting tired. Probably I'm not meant to have a relationship. I don't seem to get any luck.

Desperate

I was browsing my friendster account and I stumbled on a certain guy's profile and this is how he describes who he wants to meet:

"I want to meet somebody who will be the greatest person in my heart. Isang tao mapaparamdam ko na sa kanya na siya ay special, blessed at kailangan ko. Someone that can bring out the best in ourselves and will accept our own mistakes. I don't need the perfect person since there is no such thing as perfection but I believe that we are and will always be perfect for one another. Isang tao kasabay ko ma-experience ang buhay. Makakasama ko sa pagluto, sa paglalaro, sa pag-aaral. Magsusuportahan, mangangarap, magtatawanan, mag-iiyakan. Magkakantahan kami at ang mga kanta namin ay magiging soundtrack ng aming buhay. Isang tao uubos sa aking oras pero masasabi ko wala ni isang segundo ang nasayang. Isang tao na kahit mapadpad ako sa dulo ng mundo, miss ko siya at alam ko miss niya ako. Isang simpleng tao na bubuo sa aking buhay.. To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay.. na pagdating mo, buong buhay ko ay inihanda ko para sa iyo."

I thought I was reading my own feelings. This really struck me. It's funny, I get to read my own sentiments in other people. But when faced with a blank screen, I can't seem to find the right words. I guess I'm not brave enough, like this person, to boldly tell his readers, "ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay... buong buhay ko ay inihinada ko para sa iyo." I have been longing to say that to that elusive "someone", but that person never came (yet). Out of desperation, probably, I tried several avenues to find that person - chat, classifieds, friendster, text & even personal referrals - but to no avail. Maybe I'm feeling the pressure, now that most of my barkada in highschool, college & medschool are married or are about to settle down. Even my siblings will be tying the knot soon. I guess I'm just putting pressure on myself. My parents are not worried about me having to settle down, because of my queer personality. Well, that's the opinion of most, if not all, regarding my behavior. Most of the time, they ask me, "may girlfriend ka na ba or ...?". Its half-meant, but it does hurt. So, I guess I have no potential of having a heterosexual retlationship. Oftentimes, I feel awkward to admire a person of the opposite sex. When I do, I get comments such as, "uuy lalake na siya". Am I not?

It's partly my fault why people view me as such. I tolerate and even promote such notions, well, to get people's attention and make them laugh. But it was to my disadvantage. Now, I'm just open to anything regarding entering a relationship. Whoever comes first "na bubuo sa aking buhay" will be welcomed with open arms. Actually, I have certain people in mind that would embody such a person. Unfortunately, they are not aware (obviously) and I'm not the person they're looking for. Oh, the tragedy of my lovelife. This tragedy oftentimes pushes me out of my senses and settle for second best. This best illustrates a person introduced to me by a friend. He (take note!) was 4 years younger than me. He lives in a province up-north and works in a company down-south, of course, both outside Metro Manila. To an emotionally mature individual, such a scenario is a total disaster when you consider having a relationship. We were initially introduced thru text, eventually met a week later. He was very consistent sending me text messages, eventually habit-forming, until I get so worried when he skips a day without texting me. In fact, I became so anxious & restless one day when I did not get any text message from him for 2 consecutive days. He eventually texted back & explained the delay. Well, that calmed my nerves. I confided these feelings to my close friends & I got varied advices. When I finally composed myself and was sober enough, I was laughing at myself. Desperation.

For years I remained unattached (owws?), by choice, because I kept certain standards. But when this guy was introduced to me, I was ready to throw those years of relative celibacy out the window. I have no absolute reason to like this guy, but I was starting to feel that way. I was even rationalizing the proximity issue and planning to make some adjustments just in case. But there is something inside me telling me to stop this madness. Then I woke up one day admitting to myself, it's just a fleeting fancy and because I have no choice. It has been four days (Valentine's Day) since I got a text from him. I texted him an inspirational quote three days ago and another one this morning. I even emailed him the other day. Upto now, I did not get a reply. I talked to my friend who introduced us and gave him an update. He is still hopefull. But I told him, it's a bit unusual unlike before. My friend admitted that he was also eyeing a girl in his workplace. As if a wall hit my face! I wasn't aware of that before, but I told my friend that he does deserve a girl & he is an eligible bachelor. Although he has a history of same sex relationship recently, we can't discount the possibility that he will consider trying a heterosexual one. I'm happy for him if that's the case, at least we haven't really progressed in this friendship. In fact, I consider him an acquaintance. I'm the only one creating my own problems. Honestly, I enjoyed the times when he was still texting me. I felt important. Bottomline is, I'm just in need of attention. I have to admit, back to ground zero again.

"To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay..."

Start up

My first blog. Thanks to Beng for the thought.