Stubborn

It's really funny that we human beings like doing what we're not supposed to do. God has given us signposts along the way and yet we ignore them. We are aware that such warnings are meant to protect us, but still choose that path. We think that it is best for us based on our own finite knowledge. But despite our mischievousness, God remains stubborn in His love for us.

Five years ago, I met a guy over the internet which later on developed into an intimate relationship. During the course of our friendship, he told me that he made a commitment to a guy that was courting for a few months. At this time, I haven't told him my real feelings. I was devastated by the news. I didn't show him I was affected, but instead congratulated him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was talking to him over the phone. The days following that revelation made our friendship more intimate despite what happened. I was so in-love with him that I'm willing to be the third party. A few days later, I came to my senses and decided that I'm the loser in this case. I told him that I need to step out of the relationship because I don't want to give him the hard time choosing who to spend his time with. He doesn't want to approve. I firmly stood by my decision. It was difficult. I cried about it for a month until I was totally free. Looking back, Someone was being stubborn all throughout this ordeal. He allowed certain situations in order to protect me from committing to a guy who is a two-timer. Well, bottomline is, He doesn't want me to enter that kind of relationship either.

Once again, after that heartbreak, I'm messing around with my feelings as if nothing happened in the past. This time all sorts of signposts telling me this is not "it" are so visible that I ignored them to the last. Now, I'm experiencing the consequences --- mild heartache. He remained stubborn. He keeps on protecting me, not only from outside forces, but from myself. He allows me to run away from Him, but keeps an eye on me wherever I go. And when I fall, He picks me up and embraces me tight. Several times I resisted His embrace and ran away. Sometimes I felt fighting His embrace, then He gently lets go, only to find myself running back to Him. I don't know when I'm going to run away again, but I do hope this will be the last. I'm getting tired. Probably I'm not meant to have a relationship. I don't seem to get any luck.