Desperate

I was browsing my friendster account and I stumbled on a certain guy's profile and this is how he describes who he wants to meet:

"I want to meet somebody who will be the greatest person in my heart. Isang tao mapaparamdam ko na sa kanya na siya ay special, blessed at kailangan ko. Someone that can bring out the best in ourselves and will accept our own mistakes. I don't need the perfect person since there is no such thing as perfection but I believe that we are and will always be perfect for one another. Isang tao kasabay ko ma-experience ang buhay. Makakasama ko sa pagluto, sa paglalaro, sa pag-aaral. Magsusuportahan, mangangarap, magtatawanan, mag-iiyakan. Magkakantahan kami at ang mga kanta namin ay magiging soundtrack ng aming buhay. Isang tao uubos sa aking oras pero masasabi ko wala ni isang segundo ang nasayang. Isang tao na kahit mapadpad ako sa dulo ng mundo, miss ko siya at alam ko miss niya ako. Isang simpleng tao na bubuo sa aking buhay.. To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay.. na pagdating mo, buong buhay ko ay inihanda ko para sa iyo."

I thought I was reading my own feelings. This really struck me. It's funny, I get to read my own sentiments in other people. But when faced with a blank screen, I can't seem to find the right words. I guess I'm not brave enough, like this person, to boldly tell his readers, "ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay... buong buhay ko ay inihinada ko para sa iyo." I have been longing to say that to that elusive "someone", but that person never came (yet). Out of desperation, probably, I tried several avenues to find that person - chat, classifieds, friendster, text & even personal referrals - but to no avail. Maybe I'm feeling the pressure, now that most of my barkada in highschool, college & medschool are married or are about to settle down. Even my siblings will be tying the knot soon. I guess I'm just putting pressure on myself. My parents are not worried about me having to settle down, because of my queer personality. Well, that's the opinion of most, if not all, regarding my behavior. Most of the time, they ask me, "may girlfriend ka na ba or ...?". Its half-meant, but it does hurt. So, I guess I have no potential of having a heterosexual retlationship. Oftentimes, I feel awkward to admire a person of the opposite sex. When I do, I get comments such as, "uuy lalake na siya". Am I not?

It's partly my fault why people view me as such. I tolerate and even promote such notions, well, to get people's attention and make them laugh. But it was to my disadvantage. Now, I'm just open to anything regarding entering a relationship. Whoever comes first "na bubuo sa aking buhay" will be welcomed with open arms. Actually, I have certain people in mind that would embody such a person. Unfortunately, they are not aware (obviously) and I'm not the person they're looking for. Oh, the tragedy of my lovelife. This tragedy oftentimes pushes me out of my senses and settle for second best. This best illustrates a person introduced to me by a friend. He (take note!) was 4 years younger than me. He lives in a province up-north and works in a company down-south, of course, both outside Metro Manila. To an emotionally mature individual, such a scenario is a total disaster when you consider having a relationship. We were initially introduced thru text, eventually met a week later. He was very consistent sending me text messages, eventually habit-forming, until I get so worried when he skips a day without texting me. In fact, I became so anxious & restless one day when I did not get any text message from him for 2 consecutive days. He eventually texted back & explained the delay. Well, that calmed my nerves. I confided these feelings to my close friends & I got varied advices. When I finally composed myself and was sober enough, I was laughing at myself. Desperation.

For years I remained unattached (owws?), by choice, because I kept certain standards. But when this guy was introduced to me, I was ready to throw those years of relative celibacy out the window. I have no absolute reason to like this guy, but I was starting to feel that way. I was even rationalizing the proximity issue and planning to make some adjustments just in case. But there is something inside me telling me to stop this madness. Then I woke up one day admitting to myself, it's just a fleeting fancy and because I have no choice. It has been four days (Valentine's Day) since I got a text from him. I texted him an inspirational quote three days ago and another one this morning. I even emailed him the other day. Upto now, I did not get a reply. I talked to my friend who introduced us and gave him an update. He is still hopefull. But I told him, it's a bit unusual unlike before. My friend admitted that he was also eyeing a girl in his workplace. As if a wall hit my face! I wasn't aware of that before, but I told my friend that he does deserve a girl & he is an eligible bachelor. Although he has a history of same sex relationship recently, we can't discount the possibility that he will consider trying a heterosexual one. I'm happy for him if that's the case, at least we haven't really progressed in this friendship. In fact, I consider him an acquaintance. I'm the only one creating my own problems. Honestly, I enjoyed the times when he was still texting me. I felt important. Bottomline is, I'm just in need of attention. I have to admit, back to ground zero again.

"To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay..."