by: Evan Lowenstein
The sky has lost its color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you'll be back
You're coming back
I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take a breath without saying your name
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall
when all the dust has settled down
But I can't take the distance
I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you are close to me
But it aint close enough
Not nearly close enough
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Sober 2
I consulted another friend about what had happened with Cypress. She gave a different insight to the situation. Firstly, I have no reason at all to get mad, because there's no reason to start with. The period of non-communication could mean a lot of things. I supressed the person to say what he wants to say, whether it is good or bad. Now, I'm left wondering what. I sought another opinion, and the bottomline is I should call Cypress to finalize it. I ate my pride and texted last night:
"I know you're surprised that I texted. My conscience is bothering me. Why can't you say what you want to tell me through text? I can take anything, good or bad."
Several minutes passed. No reply. Then I did the unthinkable. I called, twice. The phone was ringing until it went busy. It dawned on me that the answer is happening right in front of me. No reply. Not interested. I was happy & at the same time sad. Happy, that all these came to an end, with no hurting words said. Sad, because a budding friendship died a relatively uneventful end. I called my "match-maker" friend and updated him of what happened. He disclosed to me a recent conversation with Cypress and he was told that he felt differently towards me. My friend did not fully emphasized that statement to me, because he was hopeful since Cypress was still texting me after that. A painful truth. My emotions were toyed around. I saw the signs, but ignored it. I was stupid, but now...
"I see the light, oh what a light, and I am sober. All that you served to me, no longer will I drink it in. I took the time to think it over. I see the you, I never knew. Now it's finally sinking in. I am sober..."
I guess I should buy Jennifer Paige's album :-) It's all clear to me now. I can say, I'M SOBER! A friend of mine shared...
"...pain always comes with loving. One cannot exist without the other. But that being said - the heart was made to overcome hurt and love over & over again. Never be afraid of loving again just because of an unfavorable experience...'We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience make us feel complete, alive, where every sense is heightened & every emotion is magnified... It may only last a moment, an hour or an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."
It's an experience to remember. I learned the hard way. No regrets. Time to move on.
"I know you're surprised that I texted. My conscience is bothering me. Why can't you say what you want to tell me through text? I can take anything, good or bad."
Several minutes passed. No reply. Then I did the unthinkable. I called, twice. The phone was ringing until it went busy. It dawned on me that the answer is happening right in front of me. No reply. Not interested. I was happy & at the same time sad. Happy, that all these came to an end, with no hurting words said. Sad, because a budding friendship died a relatively uneventful end. I called my "match-maker" friend and updated him of what happened. He disclosed to me a recent conversation with Cypress and he was told that he felt differently towards me. My friend did not fully emphasized that statement to me, because he was hopeful since Cypress was still texting me after that. A painful truth. My emotions were toyed around. I saw the signs, but ignored it. I was stupid, but now...
"I see the light, oh what a light, and I am sober. All that you served to me, no longer will I drink it in. I took the time to think it over. I see the you, I never knew. Now it's finally sinking in. I am sober..."
I guess I should buy Jennifer Paige's album :-) It's all clear to me now. I can say, I'M SOBER! A friend of mine shared...
"...pain always comes with loving. One cannot exist without the other. But that being said - the heart was made to overcome hurt and love over & over again. Never be afraid of loving again just because of an unfavorable experience...'We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience make us feel complete, alive, where every sense is heightened & every emotion is magnified... It may only last a moment, an hour or an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."
It's an experience to remember. I learned the hard way. No regrets. Time to move on.
Sober
"Girl meets boy and girl goes crazy, Boy backs away, she gets her heart broken. No words are spoken. Boy comes back and acts as if everything is cool. Soon she's got him back upon a pedestal. She only sees what she wants to see. Love is blind, love is so misleading"
And so goes, Jennifer Paige's song on my CD player. How it vividly resembles what has happened (or still is?) to me.
Cypress expressed his desire to talk to me personally. I was planning to give him a dose of his own medicine --- silence for a week. The following day, I can't help but to just end it & face the situation head on. I texted him and told him that six days of his silence said alot, and that there's no reason to talk. I went on to tell him that he has the right to choose his friends and unfortunately, I didn't fall into that category. I wished him to find what he is looking for. Quite a heavy statement. A sudden feeling of freedom & release overcame me. A heavy baggage was lifted.
And so goes, Jennifer Paige's song on my CD player. How it vividly resembles what has happened (or still is?) to me.
Cypress expressed his desire to talk to me personally. I was planning to give him a dose of his own medicine --- silence for a week. The following day, I can't help but to just end it & face the situation head on. I texted him and told him that six days of his silence said alot, and that there's no reason to talk. I went on to tell him that he has the right to choose his friends and unfortunately, I didn't fall into that category. I wished him to find what he is looking for. Quite a heavy statement. A sudden feeling of freedom & release overcame me. A heavy baggage was lifted.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Breaking the Silence
Six days, to be exact, since I last heard from Cypress. No explanations, no alibis, no excuses. . . nothing. I was left in limbo thinking what went wrong. I'm fully aware that I did not do anything wrong or said anything bad. I was worried sick thinking of reasons why such silence. My heart was heavy & I have never felt such burden in my life for such a long time. I was getting anxious at this person who is not even my relative. He doesn't even qualify as friend, strictly speaking. But the fact of the matter is, I'm feeling this "something" for him. Then, at 11:53 PM of February 20, which was about 2 hours ago, I got a text message from him.
"Hi wanna talk 2 you personally txt me kung kailan ka pwede any weekdays"
I was just out of a badminton game with my cousins when I read this message. Actually, I obliged myself to join to relieve the stress I'm feeling. As if a heavy weight was lifted off my chest. A feeling of freedom from seemingly endless nights thinking of reasons why he was quiet. This relatively short message meant a thousand words to me and putting an end to all my anxiety. With it, a flood of emotions spilled out from my heart, and here's what I want to tell him:
If you're not sure with your feelings & not really settled with the life you want to take, then don't pursue it. But if you decide to half-heartedly go through it, please don't play around with people's emotions. I remained single for the longest time. I turned down every invitation that would mean meeting other people. I've walked away from certain friendships that may lead me to meeting "interested" people. In short, I'm very much resolved with my present situation that I'm a hopeless case. Then out-of-the-blue you came. I accepted you with no questions asked. You showed interest in the friendship. I did my share in cultivating it. With every text you sent, I made sure you get a reply. I treasured every single story you told me about your family, work & relationships. I maximized the time I spent with you, even going great lengths to meet you up-north. I made sure that you wont be inconvenienced. I was beginning to make small sacrifices, hoping you would see the signs. Then you got me worried sick, almost crazy, wondering why you didn't send any messages for 2 consecutive days. You later told me that you were so busy at work. I believed that. Then it happened again, but you were ready for another explanation. I accepted every single rationalization with full trust. However, what happened next was much worse --- almost a week of silence. No nothing. You didn't lift a finger to tell me what you were upto. I did not oblige you. But the habit that was formed during the past month is really hard to break. And now, you send me a message to talk you. I guess we have nothing to talk about. You have nothing to explain. I'm not anybody in your life anyway, and it was your decision to put me aside. I cannot force you to like me. The bottomline is, you should have told me right from the start that it's not going to work out. Well, keep your explanations to yourself. I need to move on.
"Hi wanna talk 2 you personally txt me kung kailan ka pwede any weekdays"
I was just out of a badminton game with my cousins when I read this message. Actually, I obliged myself to join to relieve the stress I'm feeling. As if a heavy weight was lifted off my chest. A feeling of freedom from seemingly endless nights thinking of reasons why he was quiet. This relatively short message meant a thousand words to me and putting an end to all my anxiety. With it, a flood of emotions spilled out from my heart, and here's what I want to tell him:
If you're not sure with your feelings & not really settled with the life you want to take, then don't pursue it. But if you decide to half-heartedly go through it, please don't play around with people's emotions. I remained single for the longest time. I turned down every invitation that would mean meeting other people. I've walked away from certain friendships that may lead me to meeting "interested" people. In short, I'm very much resolved with my present situation that I'm a hopeless case. Then out-of-the-blue you came. I accepted you with no questions asked. You showed interest in the friendship. I did my share in cultivating it. With every text you sent, I made sure you get a reply. I treasured every single story you told me about your family, work & relationships. I maximized the time I spent with you, even going great lengths to meet you up-north. I made sure that you wont be inconvenienced. I was beginning to make small sacrifices, hoping you would see the signs. Then you got me worried sick, almost crazy, wondering why you didn't send any messages for 2 consecutive days. You later told me that you were so busy at work. I believed that. Then it happened again, but you were ready for another explanation. I accepted every single rationalization with full trust. However, what happened next was much worse --- almost a week of silence. No nothing. You didn't lift a finger to tell me what you were upto. I did not oblige you. But the habit that was formed during the past month is really hard to break. And now, you send me a message to talk you. I guess we have nothing to talk about. You have nothing to explain. I'm not anybody in your life anyway, and it was your decision to put me aside. I cannot force you to like me. The bottomline is, you should have told me right from the start that it's not going to work out. Well, keep your explanations to yourself. I need to move on.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Stubborn
It's really funny that we human beings like doing what we're not supposed to do. God has given us signposts along the way and yet we ignore them. We are aware that such warnings are meant to protect us, but still choose that path. We think that it is best for us based on our own finite knowledge. But despite our mischievousness, God remains stubborn in His love for us.
Five years ago, I met a guy over the internet which later on developed into an intimate relationship. During the course of our friendship, he told me that he made a commitment to a guy that was courting for a few months. At this time, I haven't told him my real feelings. I was devastated by the news. I didn't show him I was affected, but instead congratulated him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was talking to him over the phone. The days following that revelation made our friendship more intimate despite what happened. I was so in-love with him that I'm willing to be the third party. A few days later, I came to my senses and decided that I'm the loser in this case. I told him that I need to step out of the relationship because I don't want to give him the hard time choosing who to spend his time with. He doesn't want to approve. I firmly stood by my decision. It was difficult. I cried about it for a month until I was totally free. Looking back, Someone was being stubborn all throughout this ordeal. He allowed certain situations in order to protect me from committing to a guy who is a two-timer. Well, bottomline is, He doesn't want me to enter that kind of relationship either.
Once again, after that heartbreak, I'm messing around with my feelings as if nothing happened in the past. This time all sorts of signposts telling me this is not "it" are so visible that I ignored them to the last. Now, I'm experiencing the consequences --- mild heartache. He remained stubborn. He keeps on protecting me, not only from outside forces, but from myself. He allows me to run away from Him, but keeps an eye on me wherever I go. And when I fall, He picks me up and embraces me tight. Several times I resisted His embrace and ran away. Sometimes I felt fighting His embrace, then He gently lets go, only to find myself running back to Him. I don't know when I'm going to run away again, but I do hope this will be the last. I'm getting tired. Probably I'm not meant to have a relationship. I don't seem to get any luck.
Five years ago, I met a guy over the internet which later on developed into an intimate relationship. During the course of our friendship, he told me that he made a commitment to a guy that was courting for a few months. At this time, I haven't told him my real feelings. I was devastated by the news. I didn't show him I was affected, but instead congratulated him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was talking to him over the phone. The days following that revelation made our friendship more intimate despite what happened. I was so in-love with him that I'm willing to be the third party. A few days later, I came to my senses and decided that I'm the loser in this case. I told him that I need to step out of the relationship because I don't want to give him the hard time choosing who to spend his time with. He doesn't want to approve. I firmly stood by my decision. It was difficult. I cried about it for a month until I was totally free. Looking back, Someone was being stubborn all throughout this ordeal. He allowed certain situations in order to protect me from committing to a guy who is a two-timer. Well, bottomline is, He doesn't want me to enter that kind of relationship either.
Once again, after that heartbreak, I'm messing around with my feelings as if nothing happened in the past. This time all sorts of signposts telling me this is not "it" are so visible that I ignored them to the last. Now, I'm experiencing the consequences --- mild heartache. He remained stubborn. He keeps on protecting me, not only from outside forces, but from myself. He allows me to run away from Him, but keeps an eye on me wherever I go. And when I fall, He picks me up and embraces me tight. Several times I resisted His embrace and ran away. Sometimes I felt fighting His embrace, then He gently lets go, only to find myself running back to Him. I don't know when I'm going to run away again, but I do hope this will be the last. I'm getting tired. Probably I'm not meant to have a relationship. I don't seem to get any luck.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Desperate
I was browsing my friendster account and I stumbled on a certain guy's profile and this is how he describes who he wants to meet:
"I want to meet somebody who will be the greatest person in my heart. Isang tao mapaparamdam ko na sa kanya na siya ay special, blessed at kailangan ko. Someone that can bring out the best in ourselves and will accept our own mistakes. I don't need the perfect person since there is no such thing as perfection but I believe that we are and will always be perfect for one another. Isang tao kasabay ko ma-experience ang buhay. Makakasama ko sa pagluto, sa paglalaro, sa pag-aaral. Magsusuportahan, mangangarap, magtatawanan, mag-iiyakan. Magkakantahan kami at ang mga kanta namin ay magiging soundtrack ng aming buhay. Isang tao uubos sa aking oras pero masasabi ko wala ni isang segundo ang nasayang. Isang tao na kahit mapadpad ako sa dulo ng mundo, miss ko siya at alam ko miss niya ako. Isang simpleng tao na bubuo sa aking buhay.. To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay.. na pagdating mo, buong buhay ko ay inihanda ko para sa iyo."
I thought I was reading my own feelings. This really struck me. It's funny, I get to read my own sentiments in other people. But when faced with a blank screen, I can't seem to find the right words. I guess I'm not brave enough, like this person, to boldly tell his readers, "ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay... buong buhay ko ay inihinada ko para sa iyo." I have been longing to say that to that elusive "someone", but that person never came (yet). Out of desperation, probably, I tried several avenues to find that person - chat, classifieds, friendster, text & even personal referrals - but to no avail. Maybe I'm feeling the pressure, now that most of my barkada in highschool, college & medschool are married or are about to settle down. Even my siblings will be tying the knot soon. I guess I'm just putting pressure on myself. My parents are not worried about me having to settle down, because of my queer personality. Well, that's the opinion of most, if not all, regarding my behavior. Most of the time, they ask me, "may girlfriend ka na ba or ...?". Its half-meant, but it does hurt. So, I guess I have no potential of having a heterosexual retlationship. Oftentimes, I feel awkward to admire a person of the opposite sex. When I do, I get comments such as, "uuy lalake na siya". Am I not?
It's partly my fault why people view me as such. I tolerate and even promote such notions, well, to get people's attention and make them laugh. But it was to my disadvantage. Now, I'm just open to anything regarding entering a relationship. Whoever comes first "na bubuo sa aking buhay" will be welcomed with open arms. Actually, I have certain people in mind that would embody such a person. Unfortunately, they are not aware (obviously) and I'm not the person they're looking for. Oh, the tragedy of my lovelife. This tragedy oftentimes pushes me out of my senses and settle for second best. This best illustrates a person introduced to me by a friend. He (take note!) was 4 years younger than me. He lives in a province up-north and works in a company down-south, of course, both outside Metro Manila. To an emotionally mature individual, such a scenario is a total disaster when you consider having a relationship. We were initially introduced thru text, eventually met a week later. He was very consistent sending me text messages, eventually habit-forming, until I get so worried when he skips a day without texting me. In fact, I became so anxious & restless one day when I did not get any text message from him for 2 consecutive days. He eventually texted back & explained the delay. Well, that calmed my nerves. I confided these feelings to my close friends & I got varied advices. When I finally composed myself and was sober enough, I was laughing at myself. Desperation.
For years I remained unattached (owws?), by choice, because I kept certain standards. But when this guy was introduced to me, I was ready to throw those years of relative celibacy out the window. I have no absolute reason to like this guy, but I was starting to feel that way. I was even rationalizing the proximity issue and planning to make some adjustments just in case. But there is something inside me telling me to stop this madness. Then I woke up one day admitting to myself, it's just a fleeting fancy and because I have no choice. It has been four days (Valentine's Day) since I got a text from him. I texted him an inspirational quote three days ago and another one this morning. I even emailed him the other day. Upto now, I did not get a reply. I talked to my friend who introduced us and gave him an update. He is still hopefull. But I told him, it's a bit unusual unlike before. My friend admitted that he was also eyeing a girl in his workplace. As if a wall hit my face! I wasn't aware of that before, but I told my friend that he does deserve a girl & he is an eligible bachelor. Although he has a history of same sex relationship recently, we can't discount the possibility that he will consider trying a heterosexual one. I'm happy for him if that's the case, at least we haven't really progressed in this friendship. In fact, I consider him an acquaintance. I'm the only one creating my own problems. Honestly, I enjoyed the times when he was still texting me. I felt important. Bottomline is, I'm just in need of attention. I have to admit, back to ground zero again.
"To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay..."
"I want to meet somebody who will be the greatest person in my heart. Isang tao mapaparamdam ko na sa kanya na siya ay special, blessed at kailangan ko. Someone that can bring out the best in ourselves and will accept our own mistakes. I don't need the perfect person since there is no such thing as perfection but I believe that we are and will always be perfect for one another. Isang tao kasabay ko ma-experience ang buhay. Makakasama ko sa pagluto, sa paglalaro, sa pag-aaral. Magsusuportahan, mangangarap, magtatawanan, mag-iiyakan. Magkakantahan kami at ang mga kanta namin ay magiging soundtrack ng aming buhay. Isang tao uubos sa aking oras pero masasabi ko wala ni isang segundo ang nasayang. Isang tao na kahit mapadpad ako sa dulo ng mundo, miss ko siya at alam ko miss niya ako. Isang simpleng tao na bubuo sa aking buhay.. To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay.. na pagdating mo, buong buhay ko ay inihanda ko para sa iyo."
I thought I was reading my own feelings. This really struck me. It's funny, I get to read my own sentiments in other people. But when faced with a blank screen, I can't seem to find the right words. I guess I'm not brave enough, like this person, to boldly tell his readers, "ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay... buong buhay ko ay inihinada ko para sa iyo." I have been longing to say that to that elusive "someone", but that person never came (yet). Out of desperation, probably, I tried several avenues to find that person - chat, classifieds, friendster, text & even personal referrals - but to no avail. Maybe I'm feeling the pressure, now that most of my barkada in highschool, college & medschool are married or are about to settle down. Even my siblings will be tying the knot soon. I guess I'm just putting pressure on myself. My parents are not worried about me having to settle down, because of my queer personality. Well, that's the opinion of most, if not all, regarding my behavior. Most of the time, they ask me, "may girlfriend ka na ba or ...?". Its half-meant, but it does hurt. So, I guess I have no potential of having a heterosexual retlationship. Oftentimes, I feel awkward to admire a person of the opposite sex. When I do, I get comments such as, "uuy lalake na siya". Am I not?
It's partly my fault why people view me as such. I tolerate and even promote such notions, well, to get people's attention and make them laugh. But it was to my disadvantage. Now, I'm just open to anything regarding entering a relationship. Whoever comes first "na bubuo sa aking buhay" will be welcomed with open arms. Actually, I have certain people in mind that would embody such a person. Unfortunately, they are not aware (obviously) and I'm not the person they're looking for. Oh, the tragedy of my lovelife. This tragedy oftentimes pushes me out of my senses and settle for second best. This best illustrates a person introduced to me by a friend. He (take note!) was 4 years younger than me. He lives in a province up-north and works in a company down-south, of course, both outside Metro Manila. To an emotionally mature individual, such a scenario is a total disaster when you consider having a relationship. We were initially introduced thru text, eventually met a week later. He was very consistent sending me text messages, eventually habit-forming, until I get so worried when he skips a day without texting me. In fact, I became so anxious & restless one day when I did not get any text message from him for 2 consecutive days. He eventually texted back & explained the delay. Well, that calmed my nerves. I confided these feelings to my close friends & I got varied advices. When I finally composed myself and was sober enough, I was laughing at myself. Desperation.
For years I remained unattached (owws?), by choice, because I kept certain standards. But when this guy was introduced to me, I was ready to throw those years of relative celibacy out the window. I have no absolute reason to like this guy, but I was starting to feel that way. I was even rationalizing the proximity issue and planning to make some adjustments just in case. But there is something inside me telling me to stop this madness. Then I woke up one day admitting to myself, it's just a fleeting fancy and because I have no choice. It has been four days (Valentine's Day) since I got a text from him. I texted him an inspirational quote three days ago and another one this morning. I even emailed him the other day. Upto now, I did not get a reply. I talked to my friend who introduced us and gave him an update. He is still hopefull. But I told him, it's a bit unusual unlike before. My friend admitted that he was also eyeing a girl in his workplace. As if a wall hit my face! I wasn't aware of that before, but I told my friend that he does deserve a girl & he is an eligible bachelor. Although he has a history of same sex relationship recently, we can't discount the possibility that he will consider trying a heterosexual one. I'm happy for him if that's the case, at least we haven't really progressed in this friendship. In fact, I consider him an acquaintance. I'm the only one creating my own problems. Honestly, I enjoyed the times when he was still texting me. I felt important. Bottomline is, I'm just in need of attention. I have to admit, back to ground zero again.
"To that person, kung nasan ka man, tandaan mo na ang tagal-tagal kitang hinihintay..."
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